victim |

We all carry unwanted baggage from our past. Some of it is from poor choices we have made and some of it is from poor choices others have made that affected us. If you are someone who directly suffered or witnessed abuse and trauma, this may hit home. My intention with this topic is to bring awareness to those who may not understand the difference and possibly facilitate a deeper understanding of the differences, and in turn, show compassion and love for those who have suffered. Also, to help quick start the process for those stuck in victim-land start to make the transition to survivor-hood and live a much more fulfilling life.

Let’s get one thing clear. Abuse and trauma can take many forms, and although physical abuse is so detrimental, emotional abuse is almost more devastating because the physical impact eventually fades, but the emotional impact stays forever. The general consensus used to be, to have suffered abuse and trauma, one would have had to have physical representation, i.e. bruises, scars, cuts, scrapes, broken bones, etc. Sure, that is truth when physical abuse is present, but you can’t SEE emotional abuse. It is very common for those who have suffered or witnessed physical abuse to block it out and then have to deal with the affects later in life. Anxiety, depression, mental illness, eating disorders, and addiction are some of the affects of not dealing with these traumas directly. I am grateful that we live in a time that is starting to understand the deep impact of emotional abuse, not only to those who were recipients of abuse, but to those who were around and witnessed abuse of someone they love and now carry that emotional scarring with them.

Now, let’s talk about the differences between the victim and the survivor. Let’s dig a bit deeper than the words themselves and talk about the characteristics and the behaviors of the two:

The Victim

Webster’s definition of victim is ” one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent ” and ” one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions “. Although we may all fit into this definition based on our background and upbringing, it is how you choose to deal with it that keeps you in the category of being a victim. I personally have been the victim of abuse, neglect, and addiction but I chose at a very young age that being a victim does not define me. It does not define my behavior or my life.

The Survivor

A survivor is defined as “to remain alive or in existence (live on); to continue to function or prosper. This is someone who has been through trauma and is still carrying all of the baggage that comes with it, including the emotional damage, but chooses to work through it to have a better life. Everyone has the power within them to be a survivor. It is more than a mindset, it is a lifestyle. Words, actions, and choices are made based on experience.

How does the survivor compare to the victim? Well, I define myself as a survivor. Yes, I had horrible things happen to me in my childhood and early adult years. I also struggle with anxiety and depression caused by these traumas, however, I choose not to succumb to the detriment of being a victim. I choose to look at every experience I had and use it to make me strong. To learn, and to overcome, and in turn, help others do the same. Does that mean I am completely healed of the trauma. Absolutely not! It just means that I face every one of those traumas head on and do the work to come through to the other side. Sure it is difficult. Some days are better than others and the more work I do, the more work I have to do. I know that there is no “cure” and I work every day to push through. Here are the tools I use to help me:

Journaling: this is a fabulous way to get out of your head! Getting the raw emotions onto paper allows you to look at what is happening in a fresh light. Journaling also allows you to express emotions that you don’t want to share or “take out” on others. It’s satisfying to know that you can freely express yourself, using whatever verbiage you choose, and then just crumple up that paper and throw it away! I also use journaling as a tool to go back and revisit certain situations and emotions I may have had and see how far I have come. Remember, journaling is for YOU! It’s not about writing for an audience.
Coaching: I hired a spiritual life coach (who has become a great friend and mentor) to help me work through some of the blocks I had from my childhood. Doing this kind of work was very freeing because it exposed some things that were buried deep down that I had trouble accessing on my own. This process has also rejuvenated my dream to become a Lifestyle and Success Coach so that I can help others with their journey to their desired lives.
Affirmations: I have daily affirmations that I say out loud to myself so that I can really HEAR them. I have daily affirmations and affirmations that are specific to what I may be feeling that day. Some days I force myself to say them because I may not believe what is coming out of my mouth, but the “fake it until you make it” mantra really holds key. You start to believe because you start to FEEL them. And that is where the true transformation begins (more on this in another blog). You may feel silly at the beginning, but once you start to really hear yourself and BELIEVE the words, your feelings start to change and your heart begins to heal, even just a little bit.
Read and Listen with Caution: I read and listen to a TON of self-help books. I use them as a guide for change, and also for reinforcement of the changes I have made. Depending on what you choose, it can change your mindset and your mood for the day. I have very long commute, so I listen to a few my favorite authors via Audible. I really enjoy these books because they are narrated by the authors themselves so you get more of the true feeling and it feels like they are doing a personal reading just for you!
- Mel Robbins
  - The Five Second Rule
  - Kick Ass with Mel Robbins
  - Take Control of Your Life
  - She also does free online coaching workshops that you can do at your own pace with daily/weekly videos) I also recommend subscribing to her email list and YouTube channels for daily/weekly motivation. Mel is no frills and tells it like it is, which is why I love her!
- Jen Sincero-
  - You are a Badass
  - You are a Badass at Making Money
- Rachel Hollis-
  - Gir,l Wash Your Face
  - Girl, Stop Apologizing
- Rhonda Byrne
  - The Secret
  - The Magic
  - The Power
Holistic Care: I see an acupuncturist and a chiropractor monthly at a minimum. Our bodies store trauma so deep that it can cause physical ailments and illness. This is where a lot of my deep-rooted work comes through. My body likes to hold onto things and bury it deep down, which contributes to my health issues. But hey! I am still doing the work and I am getting there!
Physical Activity: This is the quickest relief you can get from any anxiety, depression, or negative thought processes you may experience. I am a volunteer Tai Chi instructor. This form of moving meditation and health healing really facilitates the peace I need. Being an instructor allows me to give back and opens my heart for my own healing and the healing of others. I also practice Vinyasa style yoga and walks/runs outside.

Remember, you have the choice to make the change. Living the life of a victim is scary and unsatisfying. Choosing to have a fulfilled life full of wins and no fear is completely up to you. If you are ready to do the work, and make the transition from victim or survivor, pick a couple of tools from my list and get started! Don’t overwhelm yourself, but find a way to work one or two things in every day. You deserve to life the life you desire full of joy and happiness. Believe in yourself because I believe in you!

So, you are having a bad day. It started first thing in the morning when you overslept and were late getting out the door and you HAD to be in the office by 8am. You spilled your coffee and had to change. You got in the car and started driving…straight into a traffic jam. You were TRYING to be calm and patient, but it seemed that the Universe was throwing everything it had at you. And then…you spilled your coffee AGAIN! You thought you may as well turn around, go back home, and write this day off as a loss. But you were stuck in that traffic jam with nowhere to go but straight to the office. You couldn’t help but wonder if you were being punished for something.

You FINALLY made it to the office, 20 minutes late for your meeting and frazzled by the morning’s events. You are just settling in, and the meeting ends, earlier than anticipated, so you missed the entire thing! You make it to your desk, open your email and find that your boss had emailed you several times with items that you made errors on and they need to be fixed ASAP. (Why is he constantly picking on me?) Your phone rings, more problems. (Why is this happening today?) Your office manager comes to chat, more problems. (Can’t someone else handle this?) And then you realize, you forgot your lunch. UGH!!!!

I am sure everyone can identify with some version of a bad day. But what makes a day “bad”? Well, for one, your mindset. It’s easy when things don’t go as planned and to play the victim. It’s difficult to look at the situation and say, “what have I done to cause this?” or “what is the universe (insert your version of divine energy) trying to tell me?”

With this example, the very first instance of oversleeping was just the beginning. Our first reaction is to fly out of bed and run around trying to get ready quickly. The reality is, you are just causing yourself more anxiety about being late and causing other things to unfold. Here is a thought: acknowledge the time, and then tell yourself I am good! I have plenty of time to get where I need to be. And if I am a few minutes late, no big deal! You make the appropriate calls/texts to alert others that you are running behind and then carry on with getting ready…in a calm manner. I bet the remaining events happen very differently or don’t happen at all. Maybe, they push the meeting by half an hour. Maybe, you are walking out of the door calmly and the traffic jam is only a 2 minute slow down to get around a stalled vehicle. Maybe you are in the car listening to your favorites songs and you just don’t care. You are grateful be where you are.

Your mindset has everything to do with what happens to you. You can’t control anything, but you can control how you react. You may still have the bad day, but you can dictate how bad it really is by changing your energy and thoughts around it. It may seem far-fetched for those who are not as versed in this mindful thought process, but I recommend you try it. Then, throw a little gratitude in there and see what happens!

Tag: victim

Victim vs. Survivor

Having a bad day?