June, 2019 |

June 23, 2019June 23, 2019

All In A Day

Changing your thought process is necessary when you find yourself falling into negative self talk and negative thoughts. Once you succumb to the negativity, it may be difficult to get back to the other side. The positive side. The side where change actually happens. The place where happiness and love reside. It can be done and with little effort. All it takes is changing how you think, because how you think dictates how you feel. There a few coin phrases that help to remind us that really, anything can happen in a day.

What a Difference a Day Makes-Yes, you may think it sounds like a cliche, but it really is truth. Everyone has a bad day now and then. It’s how you choose to deal with it that makes all the difference. Anything can happen in a 24 hour period (a day) so if you can find a way to make it through while changing whatever negative thoughts you are having into positive ones, then you will make it. Focusing on the negative will only bring more negative. Don’t believe me? Retrace your events for that day and check in with how you were thinking and feeling. Can you see how a simple, positive thought could have changed everything?

There’s Always Tomorrow-For me, every tomorrow means a fresh slate. A reset. A chance to start over. Please don’t take this to mean that you should take any day for granted. Spending time with those you love, making connections with people that are important to you, and just reaching out should never be put off until tomorrow. Let’s be real…there is always the chance that tomorrow may not come. What I am talking about here is reflective of your work, your stresses, and anything else that is overwhelming you that you have no control over. If you have work piled up on your desk, do your best to make a dent, but know that it will always be there tomorrow. Don’t let your stress consume you to the point that you are over working yourself and getting stressed out. That does not help anything, nor does it get the work done. Hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day!

One Day At A Time- No, I am not talking about that early 80’s TV sitcom that some of us know and love. You may be more familiar with the recovery programs that have coined the phrase for good reason. Each and every day is new. Each and every day allows you to make progress while focusing on what is right now. Don’t worry about yesterday, and don’t fret about tomorrow. Just make it through today.

Life is short! Spending that time in constant stress and worry day after day will never get you to where you need to be and will only bring you more worries. Your physical and mental health will decline, your relationships will decline, and you may find your way spiraling down, far away from where you want to be. You have the power to break the cycle. Live for right now. Live for today, while paving the way for a brighter future. You CAN do it, one day at a time! I believe in you!!!

June 10, 2019June 10, 2019

Finding the Middle

Are you comfortable being alone? Do you find solitude in your quiet time? OR…do you constantly have to be around people? Do you feel you need to constantly be moving?

No matter which end of this spectrum you are on, you need to find a happy medium. Taking time for you is just as important as spending quality time with the people you love. Having your quiet time to take care of yourself is equally as important. I know I tend to lean more on one side than the other, but I am working on that fine balance.

Over the past couple of years, I have found that I have busied up my days with work (people), working my businesses (lots of people), constant connections with leads and friends (people) and anything else that I could find to fill up my day. I thought this “busy” meant I was successful and heading down the path of my desired life. THEN, when I got overwhelmed and overworked, I would completely shut down for months at a time and only work my job (because I had to) and retreat inside myself every chance I had, while everything else fell to the wayside. I told myself that my retreat inside was just me taking care of me, when really, it was just my depression taking hold and sucking me in. It didn’t just last a day or two. I would spend that time telling myself I need to be making connections. I need to be logging in more for work (and I was already working WAY more than I should, another filler for my avoidance). I need to be looking for new leads. I need to start my book. I need to get my life coaching practice up and running. I should be working out. I should be eating better. I spent all of my energy on spinning on what I should be doing, not doing any of it, and creating anxiety for myself. I wasn’t working out or eating healthy anymore because I was “too busy” and then I was too depressed. Between the depression and the anxiety, I felt doomed.

I know that what was really happening was avoidance and fear. I was filling my spare time with “busy” work so that I didn’t have to face what was surfacing within me. I was avoiding rejection and fear of failure in my businesses. When the crash happened, I couldn’t stop thinking about the “what-ifs” of failure, when really, the only failure I was experiencing was giving up. My self-doubt and diminishing confidence level were taking over, fueling negative self-talk and negative self-image. I was overwhelmed and I was stuck. I needed to fix it…NOW! I was retreating deeper into myself and I needed help to climb back out.

At this point, I decided I needed to take a step back and really do some work on me. I worked with my coach and together we were able to identify blocks from my past that I never really knew existed. I had done so much work in the past that I thought I was ahead of the curve, but I know now, that was just the tip of the iceberg. I am slowly gaining my confidence and pushing forward, doing the work and having success throughout it all. I have officially started my practice and also started writing my book. I have also rejuvenated my other business of helping others earn residual income. My progress is slow, but it is steady and I am starting to find balance with it all.

There is a HUGE difference between quiet time and space while working on YOU (exercise, treating yourself to something fun, trips, etc.) and the darkness of depression. There is also a HUGE difference between filling your days to stay busy with filler and actually having productive moments where you are working at top efficiency and creating time for self care.

When we find ourselves running crazy, staying “busy”, we are not working at our optimal best self. It appears that we are rocking it out and killing it, but what is really happening is avoidance and procrastination. Taking a step back and looking at the big picture is key to pinpoint what is being avoided and then working through that issue will allow you to actually work in efficiency instead of chaos. Are you double booking yourself, doing out of the norm favors for others, and just simply consuming every spare moment you have doing things that have no affect on your personal growth? If so, you need to start cutting things out of your “busy” schedule and replace them with self care activities, and yes, some down time. Saying no thank you needs to be your favorite phrase, and mean it, without guilt.

If you find yourself crawling inside and avoiding people while negative self talk and images start to rise, you need to evaluate what is causing these feelings. While it is healthy to have some quiet down time, it is not healthy to become a recluse retreating from the world, especially if you suffer from depression. If this is where you are at, find one thing to do to move you forward. One task that can make you feel good, even if it’s for a minute or two. Spend a few hours with someone you love and catch up. Keep building on those tasks and talking to your loved ones. You should also read my blog post Victim vs Survivor where I list out some tools you can use to help you along the way.

Finding the happy medium can be difficult at times so be patient with yourself. Do the work to get back into balance. I am cheering for you!

June 2, 2019June 2, 2019

Victim vs. Survivor

We all carry unwanted baggage from our past. Some of it is from poor choices we have made and some of it is from poor choices others have made that affected us. If you are someone who directly suffered or witnessed abuse and trauma, this may hit home. My intention with this topic is to bring awareness to those who may not understand the difference and possibly facilitate a deeper understanding of the differences, and in turn, show compassion and love for those who have suffered. Also, to help quick start the process for those stuck in victim-land start to make the transition to survivor-hood and live a much more fulfilling life.

Let’s get one thing clear. Abuse and trauma can take many forms, and although physical abuse is so detrimental, emotional abuse is almost more devastating because the physical impact eventually fades, but the emotional impact stays forever. The general consensus used to be, to have suffered abuse and trauma, one would have had to have physical representation, i.e. bruises, scars, cuts, scrapes, broken bones, etc. Sure, that is truth when physical abuse is present, but you can’t SEE emotional abuse. It is very common for those who have suffered or witnessed physical abuse to block it out and then have to deal with the affects later in life. Anxiety, depression, mental illness, eating disorders, and addiction are some of the affects of not dealing with these traumas directly. I am grateful that we live in a time that is starting to understand the deep impact of emotional abuse, not only to those who were recipients of abuse, but to those who were around and witnessed abuse of someone they love and now carry that emotional scarring with them.

Now, let’s talk about the differences between the victim and the survivor. Let’s dig a bit deeper than the words themselves and talk about the characteristics and the behaviors of the two:

The Victim

Webster’s definition of victim is ” one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent ” and ” one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions “. Although we may all fit into this definition based on our background and upbringing, it is how you choose to deal with it that keeps you in the category of being a victim. I personally have been the victim of abuse, neglect, and addiction but I chose at a very young age that being a victim does not define me. It does not define my behavior or my life.

The Survivor

A survivor is defined as “to remain alive or in existence (live on); to continue to function or prosper. This is someone who has been through trauma and is still carrying all of the baggage that comes with it, including the emotional damage, but chooses to work through it to have a better life. Everyone has the power within them to be a survivor. It is more than a mindset, it is a lifestyle. Words, actions, and choices are made based on experience.

How does the survivor compare to the victim? Well, I define myself as a survivor. Yes, I had horrible things happen to me in my childhood and early adult years. I also struggle with anxiety and depression caused by these traumas, however, I choose not to succumb to the detriment of being a victim. I choose to look at every experience I had and use it to make me strong. To learn, and to overcome, and in turn, help others do the same. Does that mean I am completely healed of the trauma. Absolutely not! It just means that I face every one of those traumas head on and do the work to come through to the other side. Sure it is difficult. Some days are better than others and the more work I do, the more work I have to do. I know that there is no “cure” and I work every day to push through. Here are the tools I use to help me:

Journaling: this is a fabulous way to get out of your head! Getting the raw emotions onto paper allows you to look at what is happening in a fresh light. Journaling also allows you to express emotions that you don’t want to share or “take out” on others. It’s satisfying to know that you can freely express yourself, using whatever verbiage you choose, and then just crumple up that paper and throw it away! I also use journaling as a tool to go back and revisit certain situations and emotions I may have had and see how far I have come. Remember, journaling is for YOU! It’s not about writing for an audience.
Coaching: I hired a spiritual life coach (who has become a great friend and mentor) to help me work through some of the blocks I had from my childhood. Doing this kind of work was very freeing because it exposed some things that were buried deep down that I had trouble accessing on my own. This process has also rejuvenated my dream to become a Lifestyle and Success Coach so that I can help others with their journey to their desired lives.
Affirmations: I have daily affirmations that I say out loud to myself so that I can really HEAR them. I have daily affirmations and affirmations that are specific to what I may be feeling that day. Some days I force myself to say them because I may not believe what is coming out of my mouth, but the “fake it until you make it” mantra really holds key. You start to believe because you start to FEEL them. And that is where the true transformation begins (more on this in another blog). You may feel silly at the beginning, but once you start to really hear yourself and BELIEVE the words, your feelings start to change and your heart begins to heal, even just a little bit.
Read and Listen with Caution: I read and listen to a TON of self-help books. I use them as a guide for change, and also for reinforcement of the changes I have made. Depending on what you choose, it can change your mindset and your mood for the day. I have very long commute, so I listen to a few my favorite authors via Audible. I really enjoy these books because they are narrated by the authors themselves so you get more of the true feeling and it feels like they are doing a personal reading just for you!
- Mel Robbins
  - The Five Second Rule
  - Kick Ass with Mel Robbins
  - Take Control of Your Life
  - She also does free online coaching workshops that you can do at your own pace with daily/weekly videos) I also recommend subscribing to her email list and YouTube channels for daily/weekly motivation. Mel is no frills and tells it like it is, which is why I love her!
- Jen Sincero-
  - You are a Badass
  - You are a Badass at Making Money
- Rachel Hollis-
  - Gir,l Wash Your Face
  - Girl, Stop Apologizing
- Rhonda Byrne
  - The Secret
  - The Magic
  - The Power
Holistic Care: I see an acupuncturist and a chiropractor monthly at a minimum. Our bodies store trauma so deep that it can cause physical ailments and illness. This is where a lot of my deep-rooted work comes through. My body likes to hold onto things and bury it deep down, which contributes to my health issues. But hey! I am still doing the work and I am getting there!
Physical Activity: This is the quickest relief you can get from any anxiety, depression, or negative thought processes you may experience. I am a volunteer Tai Chi instructor. This form of moving meditation and health healing really facilitates the peace I need. Being an instructor allows me to give back and opens my heart for my own healing and the healing of others. I also practice Vinyasa style yoga and walks/runs outside.

Remember, you have the choice to make the change. Living the life of a victim is scary and unsatisfying. Choosing to have a fulfilled life full of wins and no fear is completely up to you. If you are ready to do the work, and make the transition from victim or survivor, pick a couple of tools from my list and get started! Don’t overwhelm yourself, but find a way to work one or two things in every day. You deserve to life the life you desire full of joy and happiness. Believe in yourself because I believe in you!