survival |

Let’s talk a little bit about boundaries. You know how I love to define everything so let’s look at what boundaries are:

From Wikipedia: Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.

I love how Mel Robbins explains boundaries.

“Boundaries are the courage you need to put yourself 1st. They are the fence around the yard called your life.”

Well, that’s great, but how do you know when you should set a boundary? You can identify where you need to set some boundaries by asking yourself some questions:

Do other people’s needs seem more urgent than yours?
Is your energy level drained?
Do you hate to disappoint people?
Are you afraid that if you don’t do what people ask they will be mad at you?
Do you feel as if your kids or your friends run your life?
Do you have a hard time saying no?
What am I allowing to happen in my life?

Beware, there is often a negative stigma when it comes to boundaries. Boundaries are often associated with something BAD you have to do and for God’s sake, you should NEVER have to set boundaries because if you do, there is something wrong with YOU.

I am here to tell you that boundaries are necessary. Boundaries are needed for self-protection.

Boundaries are also needed for those who have difficulty dealing with those people who don’t have boundaries themselves.

Boundaries should be set for others that come into your world and boundaries should be set for yourself.

Ultimately, setting any boundaries should be viewed as a form of protection for YOU.

Mel Robbins says:

“Boundaries are the no trespassing sign between where you end and someone else begins. They make you treat people how you want to be treated.”

You may need to set boundaries for toxic people in your life. You may need to set boundaries for yourself when it involves toxic people in your life.

But beware that when you do this, the outcome may not be pretty.

The other person may see it as a threat or an attack on them and will definitely play on any weakness you have to try and manipulate you to get you to do what they want.

So I suggest you start small and you get crystal clear with what your boundary will be or is. You also should COMMUNICATE it to the person. Don’t just expect them to KNOW.

AND, you have to be prepared to FOLLOW THROUGH or they will not take you or your boundaries seriously.

If you are someone who is an adult child of an alcoholic/addict, a co-dependant, or someone that is in need of constant approval, setting boundaries is going to be difficult for you…in the beginning. I speak from experience as someone who is an adult child of an addict/alcoholic, a co-dependant, and a person that was CONSTANTLY seeking approval.

I was a “good girl”. I never rocked the boat. I did everything everyone ever asked of me. I NEVER caused a scene.

And it was slowly KILLING me.

I have SO many examples I could share with you from my life, but I am going to spare you and only share one. Probably one of the BIGGEST of my life.

It involves my mother.

My parents divorced at 5 and mom found a new boyfriend in what seemed like minutes and she moved him right in.

It wasn’t long before the abuse started. First, he started with her and then moved on to us. We weren’t just physically abused, but severely mentally abused as well.

And then my world shattered and she married this man and we were made to call him Dad.

This contributed to my finding ways to be invisible. Don’t draw attention to yourself. ALWAYS do what you are told and be a good girl. But constantly trying to get the attention of the only person I needed it from…my mother.

Of course, this was not a sustainable relationship between my mom and the “step-father”. It finally ended when he chose another woman over my mom, which, in turn, made her spin out of control.

At 12, I became the adult female in our house while mom continued to plummet. Drugs, pills, alcohol, suicide after suicide attempt, going through men like they were water. You name it.

But I still sought her approval. I needed her recognition and attention. I never got it.

I just developed codependent behaviors that I carried with me well into adulthood. I was the fixer and the caretaker of all things, including my mother.

After many years of watching my mother killing herself with the drugs and alcohol and coming to the realization I will never get the mother I wanted, I set the biggest boundary of my life.

One final trip to the ER to rescue her from a fake “chest pain” incident so that she could get pain meds and get high, I hit my limit.

I told her that if she didn’t get into a program and work on her shit in therapy, we were done. And I meant every word.

Two months later, I got a call from my now step-father saying that mom was getting help. I asked where and he said the methadone clinic.

I said not good enough. No treatment and no therapy, no relationship with me.

As I hung up the phone, I never felt more empowered in my entire life.

On a deep, beyond the surface level, I knew that I had just saved my own life.

It has been around 10 years since I have had a relationship with her and I have to say, nothing has changed for her. She is still the same person I let go of so long ago.

Had I continued down that path I was on with her, I would not be where I am today. Strong enough to stand in my own truth and able to help other women who struggle.

So, that is one example of a BIG boundary. Not every boundary you set needs to be this extreme, however, I hope that as you gain more confidence, you also start to feel more empowered.

No matter how big or small you think the boundary is, its effect is the same. A necessary aspect of life to keep you safe from the toxicity around you.

So start practicing saying no.

Start practicing setting limits to what you will put up with from other people.

Set limits within yourself so that you can abide by your own rules.

Remember, YOU are in control of YOU. Nobody else has the right to overstep and take your power away so don’t let them!

Do you want to dive deeper into how to set boundaries in YOUR life? Book your free 30-Minute breakthrough call today! Just click HERE for access to my calendar!

Well, here we are at this wonderfully joyous time of year again! Some of you are so excited while others are dreading this time of year because of all of the stress and emotion surrounding the days that should be spent in joy and celebration. You are also going to see tons of tips and tricks on how to navigate through this time of year. I am also going to do the same and share some things that I am doing and how I have managed through the years. I am writing this blog from my heart to yours in hopes that I can bring you some awareness as to what is happening with you and provide you some tools that may help change the way you feel about this time of year.

Scenario 1: You have SO much shopping to do. So many people to buy for and you aren’t sure if you can afford presents. Should I rack up my credit card? Should I only buy for certain people and risk hurting the feelings of others? Should I buy nothing and send cards instead? Should I buy nothing and explain why I am not exchanging gifts?

Holy moly you are putting a ton of undue stress on yourself! First of all, let’s remember what Christmas is really about. It’s not about buying presents for everyone. I am not a religious person, but this holiday IS based on the premise of little baby Jesus and how he came to be in the world. NOWHERE in that story did anyone have to hit the local Walmart and purchase a gift! Yes, it’s the season of giving, but it doesn’t have to be a purchased gift that sends you over your max on the credit cards. It’s time to come together and enjoy the family and friends we have in our lives. Sharing food, sharing stories, playing games, or whatever that time spent looks like for you.

I can honestly say, that I have COMPLETELY removed this “gift-buying stress” from my world, and it doesn’t involve buying presents for anyone. My husband and I spend Christmas Eve with my family. We all start to congregate in the late afternoon, which is when eating, drinking and being merry officially starts. My aunt’s, uncles, cousins, and second cousins all start to file in. We have contributed to the food by bringing whatever snack or beverage we felt like sharing that year (our gift). Once the eating starts to die down, a group of us go off and start the game playing while my Aunt, Uncle, and their kids/grandkids enjoy their “family” Christmas Eve gift exchange. After the kids have opened all of their gifts, they excitedly run over to the game group and share their treasures while the adults join in the fun. That’s it! NO STRESS, NO OBLIGATIONS, and NO GUILT.

We then spend Christmas Day with my husband’s parents. My mother-in-law is one of those that INSISTS that she has to buy presents. I had to stop buying for them years ago because I honestly had run out of ideas for them both. I have also told her on numerous occasions that presents do nothing for me, although I am extremely appreciative of the effort that she puts into them to select just the right gift, it means more to me to spend time together rather than opening gifts. When we arrive, the eating and drinking starts, and my husband and I tag-team cooking and cleaning. We then head into the living room to receive our presents, give thanks, take pictures, and then head back to the kitchen for any last-minute cleaning (our gift) and out the door we go. Again, NO STRESS, NO OBLIGATIONS, and NO GUILT.

The best part…we did not go into debt for gifts that seem important at the time, but really are just a part of the holiday craziness.

Now, I know many of you are thinking, “I can’t NOT bring gifts! That is just not me!” I get it, and if this is truly what you want to do, do something that will not send your finances into a tailspin for just one day. Make your gifts. You can create personalized cards, notes, ornaments, cookies, etc. I am not a craft person nor am I a baker, but my husband loves to cook so we bring snacks or the main meal. Dedicate your time to doing something nice for that person. Donate a small denomination to a charity in that person’s name. There are so many other ways to give and not go into debt.

Scenario 2: You have lost someone you love and the holidays only make you feel sadness because you haven’t finished grieving and now, it feels like you have started the grief process over again. First of all, grief is personal and nobody has the right to tell you how long or even how you should grieve. The trick is to be able to go on with life in the throes of grief, and that includes the holidays.

This is a time where you should practice patience and kindness with yourself. Depending on how fresh the loss is, you may feel many different emotions about what you want to and don’t want to do but don’t quite know how to move through it. That’s ok! My suggestion is to feel the emotions. Let them happen, but don’t get stuck there.

Think of ways that you can honor the passed loved one. Maybe start a new tradition doing something that they loved. Make a special ornament for that person. Write that person a letter. Donate to a charity in their name. Gather others who have suffered the loss and spend time telling heartfelt stories and sharing memories about the person who has passed. There are so many ways to honor someone who has passed and it’s important to be aware of your emotions and honor them too.

Scenario 3: The thought of spending time with the family sends you into a state of anxiety that builds more and more the closer the event gets. You are questioned about your current life stage. You are questioned about your future. You are questioned about the choices you have made in the past. You know that the questions come from a place of love, but hit you like a barrage of pellets being shot from a gun. Each hit going deeper and deeper into you. You react in a way that is so far outside of who you are because you are blind with rage. You lash out or, you completely close off. Both are responses to protection.

Fortunately, you don’t have to succumb to yet another disparaging experience. There are some things you can do to plan ahead and help you control your response without it escalating to heated reactions and hurt feelings.

The first thing is to journal out all of the conversations that you anticipate having BEFORE the event. I guarantee this is not the first time you have had to deal with the same old same old so those conversations are inside you. Use past conversations and journal a different response around them. Think of how you want to handle the situation in a positive way. When the bullets start to fly, how will you handle it? This exercise will help you remove the emotion out of the conversation to some degree because you will already know how you are going to respond.

Second, set some boundaries. Be clear of your intentions. If a conversation starts to head off into a realm that makes you uncomfortable and you start to feel your escalation rise, remove yourself from the conversation. Politely say, “I don’t like where this conversation is headed so I am going to step away from it”. This will send a hard message to the person in violation of your boundary and give you control over how you respond without leaving feeling beat up and persecuted. Remember, you can’t control situations but you CAN control how you react to them.

Scenario 4: You have been invited to SO MANY events and everyone wants you to join in the festivities but looking at your calendar, you just have no idea how you are going to make it happen and the worst part, you have already said yes to too many things. Yikes! Now, the feelings of overwhelm followed by guilt are starting to set in.

Ok, ladies, I know we are the MOST guilty at allowing this to happen. First of all…IT’S OK TO SAY NO! We are not put on this earth to bounce from one place to another causing ourselves to feel numb and exhausted in the process. When this happens, are you REALLY showing up 100% or are you just half present, already mentally moving on to the next event? STOP IT!

Some advice: when the invites start to come in, prioritize based your availability, not by cramming the invite in. If you have several girlfriends that want you to attend various events, consolidate! Plan a “girlfriends” celebration, inviting them all together to celebrate with you. You can host a brunch or go out to a nice restaurant. Maybe you can make this a tradition and rotate around the group each year to allow each person to host and plan. This way, you get to spend time with all of them at the same time.

As for family…I know this can be a bit tricky because each family member thinks that what they are planning is more important than the others and you SHOULD be spending time with them and it HAS to happen on the ACTUAL HOLIDAY or else it doesn’t count. This gets even harrier when you are married because you have even more family to juggle. BLAH!!! Honestly, this one is a hot button for me because I feel it is a bunch of BS! LITERALLY!

As a child in a divorced household, I had to learn early about pacing and pleasing. Pacing myself because I always had to have TWO big meals on each holiday bouncing from one house to the other and I had to do it without complaining. As I got older, I started to put my foot down! I thought it was so ridiculous to put so much pressure around the holiday and on the children! When I married my first husband and was raising my step-son, I wanted nothing more than to create our own traditions as a family, but like my own childhood, this was dictated entirely on the grandparents’ choosing, trying to please them rather than focusing on my need and my immediate family.

So, parents, I give you permission to tell your families NO! You are not bouncing from house to house so that THEY can see the grandkids on the ACTUAL holiday. Tell them that they are welcome to come to you and spend time in YOUR home with YOUR children experiencing YOUR traditions. Host a family gathering, or, set a boundary that Christmas Eve is just for your little family and the others can join the next day. Whatever that looks like for you. Use the time around the holidays and have several celebrations. Maybe use the weekend before for one side of the family and the weekend after for the other. I warn you though, there will be those that will feel hurt and take it personally. They may even lash out and throw so much guilt your way you feel like you are drowning. This is not your problem to fix. Stick to your guns! They will come around. Believe me, your kids will value the memories you are creating for them (without succumbing to the stress) more so than the memories of bouncing from house to house, only half showing up.

I know that there are so many other issues surrounding this time of year, but I chose these 4 scenarios because they are the most common I hear about this time of year. Do yourself a favor and stop the madness. Allow yourself to enjoy this time of year without stress, guilt, and overwhelming feelings that are ever so present. When you look back, do you remember the good times you had celebrating with friends and family or do you only remember the dread and the stress? Depending on how you answer that question, you may need to check yourself. If you need someone to help you figure it all out, I am here! Remember, YOU are in charge of creating your life. You are in charge of how you react. I know you can do it, it may take practice, but I believe in you!

Tag: survival

Boundaries

Surviving the Holidays