self love |

July 25, 2019July 25, 2019

Self Forgiveness-Revisited

This is my second blog ever so I thought it was a good one to share with you. It has been many years since this was written, and I have come a long way, but by no means am I an expert yet. Self forgiveness is a process and one YOU can start to master all on your own. Healing is an important part of the journey and it always has to start with you.

Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally regretted doing or saying something and then continued to “beat yourself up” over and over again? I think it is fair to say that we are all guilty of this. I also know that this can cause great trauma to our spirits and emotions, causing the trauma to be so severe that it derails and even debilitates our lives. We re-live the action or conversation and continually try to find ways that we could have handled it better. This causes a negative thought process to begin and the spiral continues. Pretty soon we are so consumed by the negative thoughts that depression and/or illness start to set in and we try and find ways to deal with the depression and/or illness when we should try and find the root cause and start working on a little thing called “self forgiveness”.

I have been working daily on my own self forgiveness. There are situations and choices I have had to make in my life that have, for good or bad, affected other people in hurtful ways. I do not mean the hurtful ways were created from my anger or out of malice. I am, after all, human and we are all guilty of hurting out of anger or malice. As difficult as it is, the most painful hurts I have created were caused by choices I needed to make to better myself and stop my own hurt. There is a ton of guilt about being selfish and not caring that the choice may hurt someone else. Unfortunately, my upbringing instilled a lot of the unhealthy values and thought processes that I am trying to deprogram along with working on my self forgiveness. I never really had a childhood, constantly having to put my life aside to be the adult at a very early age. In that, I always put everyone else first, mothering, nurturing, teaching, and surviving for everyone else but me. Now, as an adult, I struggle every day with setting boundaries and saying no to protect myself from any further spiritual and emotional damage. Along with all that comes the guilt and in steps my attempts at self forgiveness. This is is how I manage to work on it every day:

Think about the choice to be made. Is it truly a choice that will better ME or am I truly making the choice out of anger or malice? Chances are, these kind of choices are being made because of a very unbalanced and unhealthy environment or situation. If you are programmed as a caretaker/enabler the way that I am, this is where the self hate and hurt begin.

What has led up to this choice? Has it been a path of unhealthy self destruction? If yes, then make a change-no matter who it will hurt, but try and do it as gracefully, FOR YOURSELF, as possible. At the end of the day, this is a necessary choice to save YOU!

When making the change, try and stay out of the negative. Find your positive and what good will come from the choice you are making-no matter how small. Once you find one positive, more will follow. We naturally want to be in a positive state of mind, we just get in our own way and allow the negatives to take over. You will see…the law of attraction will snow ball from everything you are thinking and the intentions you are putting out to the universe, so keep the positives coming!

Once you have started the positive thought process, you need to start the self forgiveness.

Acknowledge that you allowed yourself to stay in the situation that you are in-either from old programming, guilt, self destruction, self punishment, etc. Then, tell yourself that it IS OK. You had yet another lesson to learn from this life.

Now, acknowledge that you may hurt or anger people in the choice you are making. It is ok. You cannot protect everyone-you need to protect YOURSELF. If you are coming from a place of love and warmth while making the choice, or even if you come from anger, others are going to CHOOSE to react the way that they do and their reactions are not your responsibility. You cannot control the reactions from others.

Once you have acknowledged the situation that has caused you make this choice and acknowledged the hurt and anger it may cause others, start telling yourself “I forgive myself” and immediately start thinking of your positives and why you POSITIVELY are making the choice. I find this the most difficult. Someone very dear to me gave me forgiveness affirmations to do every day, which I do. However, the most difficult part is saying them while looking at myself in the mirror. This goes back to actually deprogramming all the pain and hurt and trying to believe that I am truly forgiven. I work on it every day.

Yes, all this seems like a lot of work and, in the beginning, it truly is. I am, however, finding it gets a bit easier every day if I use the tools and actually work the process. Again, the law of attraction and positive thinking along with the affirmations make it easier to get to the point of self forgiveness.

Try these affirmations first thing in the morning, saying them out loud (eventually looking in the mirror) and see how you feel as you say them. Really pay attention to how your body and feelings resonate with what you are saying. Take your time and FEEL.

“I forgive myself for judging my feelings.”

“I forgive myself for becoming upset and moving out of my center.”

“I forgive myself for the mistakes I have made, the mistakes I am making, and the mistakes I will make.”

“I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy.”

“I am a radiant being filled with light and love.”

Until next time, forgive and be kind to yourself!

June 2, 2019June 2, 2019

Victim vs. Survivor

We all carry unwanted baggage from our past. Some of it is from poor choices we have made and some of it is from poor choices others have made that affected us. If you are someone who directly suffered or witnessed abuse and trauma, this may hit home. My intention with this topic is to bring awareness to those who may not understand the difference and possibly facilitate a deeper understanding of the differences, and in turn, show compassion and love for those who have suffered. Also, to help quick start the process for those stuck in victim-land start to make the transition to survivor-hood and live a much more fulfilling life.

Let’s get one thing clear. Abuse and trauma can take many forms, and although physical abuse is so detrimental, emotional abuse is almost more devastating because the physical impact eventually fades, but the emotional impact stays forever. The general consensus used to be, to have suffered abuse and trauma, one would have had to have physical representation, i.e. bruises, scars, cuts, scrapes, broken bones, etc. Sure, that is truth when physical abuse is present, but you can’t SEE emotional abuse. It is very common for those who have suffered or witnessed physical abuse to block it out and then have to deal with the affects later in life. Anxiety, depression, mental illness, eating disorders, and addiction are some of the affects of not dealing with these traumas directly. I am grateful that we live in a time that is starting to understand the deep impact of emotional abuse, not only to those who were recipients of abuse, but to those who were around and witnessed abuse of someone they love and now carry that emotional scarring with them.

Now, let’s talk about the differences between the victim and the survivor. Let’s dig a bit deeper than the words themselves and talk about the characteristics and the behaviors of the two:

The Victim

Webster’s definition of victim is ” one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent ” and ” one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions “. Although we may all fit into this definition based on our background and upbringing, it is how you choose to deal with it that keeps you in the category of being a victim. I personally have been the victim of abuse, neglect, and addiction but I chose at a very young age that being a victim does not define me. It does not define my behavior or my life.

The Survivor

A survivor is defined as “to remain alive or in existence (live on); to continue to function or prosper. This is someone who has been through trauma and is still carrying all of the baggage that comes with it, including the emotional damage, but chooses to work through it to have a better life. Everyone has the power within them to be a survivor. It is more than a mindset, it is a lifestyle. Words, actions, and choices are made based on experience.

How does the survivor compare to the victim? Well, I define myself as a survivor. Yes, I had horrible things happen to me in my childhood and early adult years. I also struggle with anxiety and depression caused by these traumas, however, I choose not to succumb to the detriment of being a victim. I choose to look at every experience I had and use it to make me strong. To learn, and to overcome, and in turn, help others do the same. Does that mean I am completely healed of the trauma. Absolutely not! It just means that I face every one of those traumas head on and do the work to come through to the other side. Sure it is difficult. Some days are better than others and the more work I do, the more work I have to do. I know that there is no “cure” and I work every day to push through. Here are the tools I use to help me:

Journaling: this is a fabulous way to get out of your head! Getting the raw emotions onto paper allows you to look at what is happening in a fresh light. Journaling also allows you to express emotions that you don’t want to share or “take out” on others. It’s satisfying to know that you can freely express yourself, using whatever verbiage you choose, and then just crumple up that paper and throw it away! I also use journaling as a tool to go back and revisit certain situations and emotions I may have had and see how far I have come. Remember, journaling is for YOU! It’s not about writing for an audience.
Coaching: I hired a spiritual life coach (who has become a great friend and mentor) to help me work through some of the blocks I had from my childhood. Doing this kind of work was very freeing because it exposed some things that were buried deep down that I had trouble accessing on my own. This process has also rejuvenated my dream to become a Lifestyle and Success Coach so that I can help others with their journey to their desired lives.
Affirmations: I have daily affirmations that I say out loud to myself so that I can really HEAR them. I have daily affirmations and affirmations that are specific to what I may be feeling that day. Some days I force myself to say them because I may not believe what is coming out of my mouth, but the “fake it until you make it” mantra really holds key. You start to believe because you start to FEEL them. And that is where the true transformation begins (more on this in another blog). You may feel silly at the beginning, but once you start to really hear yourself and BELIEVE the words, your feelings start to change and your heart begins to heal, even just a little bit.
Read and Listen with Caution: I read and listen to a TON of self-help books. I use them as a guide for change, and also for reinforcement of the changes I have made. Depending on what you choose, it can change your mindset and your mood for the day. I have very long commute, so I listen to a few my favorite authors via Audible. I really enjoy these books because they are narrated by the authors themselves so you get more of the true feeling and it feels like they are doing a personal reading just for you!
- Mel Robbins
  - The Five Second Rule
  - Kick Ass with Mel Robbins
  - Take Control of Your Life
  - She also does free online coaching workshops that you can do at your own pace with daily/weekly videos) I also recommend subscribing to her email list and YouTube channels for daily/weekly motivation. Mel is no frills and tells it like it is, which is why I love her!
- Jen Sincero-
  - You are a Badass
  - You are a Badass at Making Money
- Rachel Hollis-
  - Gir,l Wash Your Face
  - Girl, Stop Apologizing
- Rhonda Byrne
  - The Secret
  - The Magic
  - The Power
Holistic Care: I see an acupuncturist and a chiropractor monthly at a minimum. Our bodies store trauma so deep that it can cause physical ailments and illness. This is where a lot of my deep-rooted work comes through. My body likes to hold onto things and bury it deep down, which contributes to my health issues. But hey! I am still doing the work and I am getting there!
Physical Activity: This is the quickest relief you can get from any anxiety, depression, or negative thought processes you may experience. I am a volunteer Tai Chi instructor. This form of moving meditation and health healing really facilitates the peace I need. Being an instructor allows me to give back and opens my heart for my own healing and the healing of others. I also practice Vinyasa style yoga and walks/runs outside.

Remember, you have the choice to make the change. Living the life of a victim is scary and unsatisfying. Choosing to have a fulfilled life full of wins and no fear is completely up to you. If you are ready to do the work, and make the transition from victim or survivor, pick a couple of tools from my list and get started! Don’t overwhelm yourself, but find a way to work one or two things in every day. You deserve to life the life you desire full of joy and happiness. Believe in yourself because I believe in you!

May 12, 2019May 12, 2019

Create Your Life

Did you know that you are an artist? We are all artists. I am not talking about the kind of art that you use a literal medium to generate (paint, metal, fabric, canvas, etc.). I am talking about your imagination. I am talking about your desires and dreams. I am talking about YOU creating YOUR life the way that you want it to be.

As I sit on my back deck, looking at the blue sky and all of the green popping up around me, I reflect on the simple beauty of the world. I yearn for peace and solitude. I yearn for happiness and joy. I not only want this in my life, but I want it for everyone! I am truly blessed that I have all of those things in my life now. But, it wasn’t always that way for me. Many years ago, I struggled with where I was headed and what I wanted my life to look like. I was coasting, staying stagnate. I would constantly try and reinvent myself when things got tedious, but never really landing on any one thing. I didn’t understand that I could CHOOSE where I was headed and what I wanted my life to look like, or even how I would go about getting there. And…I was afraid. But then something happened…

I had an awakening through tons of self discovery. I had to let go of the fear of what I would find buried deep down inside. I had to learn all about the blank canvas we call life and how to add what I wanted to that canvas to create the beautiful piece of art that is now the life I have. I have also learned that I can change or even re-create that piece of art if I want to change direction and I would be just fine. It’s my art. It’s my life. It’s my choice.

I now find life inspiring and beautiful. I pick little pieces from each day and add it to my piece of art, my canvas. Some days it is harder than others and on those days, my art tends to wander to the darker side, but I don’t let it stay dark. I always look for the brightness, the color, and the beauty. We have this inside all of us. I work on my art every day and I am encouraging you to do the same. I am, and will always be a work in progress. I am o.k. with that because I know I have the creativity and the drive to be everything I want to be.

So now I ask you…are you ready to take that blank canvas and create something beautiful? I know you can! Get out that virtual (or actual) pencil, notebook, canvas, paint, pens, marker, or whatever you want to use to start your beautiful piece of art. Dig deep down inside. Tap into that imagination and endless stream of possibility. Bring it all to the surface and join me in creating the peace, solitude, happiness, and joy we all deserve and can create for ourselves!