Well, here we are at this wonderfully joyous time of year again! Some of you are so excited while others are dreading this time of year because of all of the stress and emotion surrounding the days that should be spent in joy and celebration. You are also going to see tons of tips and tricks on how to navigate through this time of year. I am also going to do the same and share some things that I am doing and how I have managed through the years. I am writing this blog from my heart to yours in hopes that I can bring you some awareness as to what is happening with you and provide you some tools that may help change the way you feel about this time of year.
Scenario 1: You have SO much shopping to do. So many people to buy for and you aren’t sure if you can afford presents. Should I rack up my credit card? Should I only buy for certain people and risk hurting the feelings of others? Should I buy nothing and send cards instead? Should I buy nothing and explain why I am not exchanging gifts?
Holy moly you are putting a ton of undue stress on yourself! First of all, let’s remember what Christmas is really about. It’s not about buying presents for everyone. I am not a religious person, but this holiday IS based on the premise of little baby Jesus and how he came to be in the world. NOWHERE in that story did anyone have to hit the local Walmart and purchase a gift! Yes, it’s the season of giving, but it doesn’t have to be a purchased gift that sends you over your max on the credit cards. It’s time to come together and enjoy the family and friends we have in our lives. Sharing food, sharing stories, playing games, or whatever that time spent looks like for you.
I can honestly say, that I have COMPLETELY removed this “gift-buying stress” from my world, and it doesn’t involve buying presents for anyone. My husband and I spend Christmas Eve with my family. We all start to congregate in the late afternoon, which is when eating, drinking and being merry officially starts. My aunt’s, uncles, cousins, and second cousins all start to file in. We have contributed to the food by bringing whatever snack or beverage we felt like sharing that year (our gift). Once the eating starts to die down, a group of us go off and start the game playing while my Aunt, Uncle, and their kids/grandkids enjoy their “family” Christmas Eve gift exchange. After the kids have opened all of their gifts, they excitedly run over to the game group and share their treasures while the adults join in the fun. That’s it! NO STRESS, NO OBLIGATIONS, and NO GUILT.
We then spend Christmas Day with my husband’s parents. My mother-in-law is one of those that INSISTS that she has to buy presents. I had to stop buying for them years ago because I honestly had run out of ideas for them both. I have also told her on numerous occasions that presents do nothing for me, although I am extremely appreciative of the effort that she puts into them to select just the right gift, it means more to me to spend time together rather than opening gifts. When we arrive, the eating and drinking starts, and my husband and I tag-team cooking and cleaning. We then head into the living room to receive our presents, give thanks, take pictures, and then head back to the kitchen for any last-minute cleaning (our gift) and out the door we go. Again, NO STRESS, NO OBLIGATIONS, and NO GUILT.
The best part…we did not go into debt for gifts that seem important at the time, but really are just a part of the holiday craziness.
Now, I know many of you are thinking, “I can’t NOT bring gifts! That is just not me!” I get it, and if this is truly what you want to do, do something that will not send your finances into a tailspin for just one day. Make your gifts. You can create personalized cards, notes, ornaments, cookies, etc. I am not a craft person nor am I a baker, but my husband loves to cook so we bring snacks or the main meal. Dedicate your time to doing something nice for that person. Donate a small denomination to a charity in that person’s name. There are so many other ways to give and not go into debt.
Scenario 2: You have lost someone you love and the holidays only make you feel sadness because you haven’t finished grieving and now, it feels like you have started the grief process over again. First of all, grief is personal and nobody has the right to tell you how long or even how you should grieve. The trick is to be able to go on with life in the throes of grief, and that includes the holidays.
This is a time where you should practice patience and kindness with yourself. Depending on how fresh the loss is, you may feel many different emotions about what you want to and don’t want to do but don’t quite know how to move through it. That’s ok! My suggestion is to feel the emotions. Let them happen, but don’t get stuck there.
Think of ways that you can honor the passed loved one. Maybe start a new tradition doing something that they loved. Make a special ornament for that person. Write that person a letter. Donate to a charity in their name. Gather others who have suffered the loss and spend time telling heartfelt stories and sharing memories about the person who has passed. There are so many ways to honor someone who has passed and it’s important to be aware of your emotions and honor them too.
Scenario 3: The thought of spending time with the family sends you into a state of anxiety that builds more and more the closer the event gets. You are questioned about your current life stage. You are questioned about your future. You are questioned about the choices you have made in the past. You know that the questions come from a place of love, but hit you like a barrage of pellets being shot from a gun. Each hit going deeper and deeper into you. You react in a way that is so far outside of who you are because you are blind with rage. You lash out or, you completely close off. Both are responses to protection.
Fortunately, you don’t have to succumb to yet another disparaging experience. There are some things you can do to plan ahead and help you control your response without it escalating to heated reactions and hurt feelings.
The first thing is to journal out all of the conversations that you anticipate having BEFORE the event. I guarantee this is not the first time you have had to deal with the same old same old so those conversations are inside you. Use past conversations and journal a different response around them. Think of how you want to handle the situation in a positive way. When the bullets start to fly, how will you handle it? This exercise will help you remove the emotion out of the conversation to some degree because you will already know how you are going to respond.
Second, set some boundaries. Be clear of your intentions. If a conversation starts to head off into a realm that makes you uncomfortable and you start to feel your escalation rise, remove yourself from the conversation. Politely say, “I don’t like where this conversation is headed so I am going to step away from it”. This will send a hard message to the person in violation of your boundary and give you control over how you respond without leaving feeling beat up and persecuted. Remember, you can’t control situations but you CAN control how you react to them.
Scenario 4: You have been invited to SO MANY events and everyone wants you to join in the festivities but looking at your calendar, you just have no idea how you are going to make it happen and the worst part, you have already said yes to too many things. Yikes! Now, the feelings of overwhelm followed by guilt are starting to set in.
Ok, ladies, I know we are the MOST guilty at allowing this to happen. First of all…IT’S OK TO SAY NO! We are not put on this earth to bounce from one place to another causing ourselves to feel numb and exhausted in the process. When this happens, are you REALLY showing up 100% or are you just half present, already mentally moving on to the next event? STOP IT!
Some advice: when the invites start to come in, prioritize based your availability, not by cramming the invite in. If you have several girlfriends that want you to attend various events, consolidate! Plan a “girlfriends” celebration, inviting them all together to celebrate with you. You can host a brunch or go out to a nice restaurant. Maybe you can make this a tradition and rotate around the group each year to allow each person to host and plan. This way, you get to spend time with all of them at the same time.
As for family…I know this can be a bit tricky because each family member thinks that what they are planning is more important than the others and you SHOULD be spending time with them and it HAS to happen on the ACTUAL HOLIDAY or else it doesn’t count. This gets even harrier when you are married because you have even more family to juggle. BLAH!!! Honestly, this one is a hot button for me because I feel it is a bunch of BS! LITERALLY!
As a child in a divorced household, I had to learn early about pacing and pleasing. Pacing myself because I always had to have TWO big meals on each holiday bouncing from one house to the other and I had to do it without complaining. As I got older, I started to put my foot down! I thought it was so ridiculous to put so much pressure around the holiday and on the children! When I married my first husband and was raising my step-son, I wanted nothing more than to create our own traditions as a family, but like my own childhood, this was dictated entirely on the grandparents’ choosing, trying to please them rather than focusing on my need and my immediate family.
So, parents, I give you permission to tell your families NO! You are not bouncing from house to house so that THEY can see the grandkids on the ACTUAL holiday. Tell them that they are welcome to come to you and spend time in YOUR home with YOUR children experiencing YOUR traditions. Host a family gathering, or, set a boundary that Christmas Eve is just for your little family and the others can join the next day. Whatever that looks like for you. Use the time around the holidays and have several celebrations. Maybe use the weekend before for one side of the family and the weekend after for the other. I warn you though, there will be those that will feel hurt and take it personally. They may even lash out and throw so much guilt your way you feel like you are drowning. This is not your problem to fix. Stick to your guns! They will come around. Believe me, your kids will value the memories you are creating for them (without succumbing to the stress) more so than the memories of bouncing from house to house, only half showing up.
I know that there are so many other issues surrounding this time of year, but I chose these 4 scenarios because they are the most common I hear about this time of year. Do yourself a favor and stop the madness. Allow yourself to enjoy this time of year without stress, guilt, and overwhelming feelings that are ever so present. When you look back, do you remember the good times you had celebrating with friends and family or do you only remember the dread and the stress? Depending on how you answer that question, you may need to check yourself. If you need someone to help you figure it all out, I am here! Remember, YOU are in charge of creating your life. You are in charge of how you react. I know you can do it, it may take practice, but I believe in you!
