anxiety |

March 4, 2020March 4, 2020

How to Survive Anxiety

There are so many people in my life that struggle every day with anxiety, including myself. I have worked with several clients on how they can manage their anxiety. It almost seems like an epidemic in this world we live in.

When I first learned about my own anxiety, I felt helpless. I felt broken. I felt out of control.

I was, what I thought at the time, in a good relationship. What I didn’t know, was that relationship was going to trigger so many things in my life to cause me to start spinning out of control.

The biggest contributor was his inability to hold down a job and our ever-growing debt.

I was a control freak and I could not MAKE him get a job. I could not MAKE him keep a job. I could not MAKE him stop spending our money as if we had it.

The more I tried to control this and MAKE him do things, the more OUT OF CONTROL I became, and the MORE I tried to control.

I was spiraling deeper and deeper into the “oh my God, how are we going to pay this…how are we going to pay that…” mindset.

I was exhausted. I was scared.

At the time, I had no idea what was causing my anxiety or how I could make it stop.

I also kept my anxiety a secret because of the “mental health stigma”, which caused me even MORE anxiety. My God, what if someone found out!

Now, this was many years ago. Before there was an open awareness of this affliction, so I turned to my doctor for help and she prescribed medication and told me to get a therapist.

I was really hesitant to take the medication. My mom was addicted to pills and I have extreme sensitivity to almost every medication, including Advil, so I was hesitant.

I had already done therapy so I knew how therapy worked. I didn’t need to look at my past anymore and I knew enough about what was going on to know that I needed help with right now so I could stop worrying about the FUTURE.

So I took the meds which helped enough to allow me to research my anxiety.

So, what is anxiety?

Anxiety is your body’s natural response to stress and a feeling of fear or apprehension about what’s to come. The what if’s of the FUTURE.

This can lead to physical things happening within our bodies. Rapid heart rate, fast and shallow breathing, sweating, feelings of nausea, and other things. And, one of the big ones…the fight or flight feeling.

Of course, anxiety can affect everyone differently so you may or may not experience some or all of these physical responses.

Anxiety can be normal in stressful situations such as public speaking or taking a test. But, anxiety can also manifest just from thoughts we have or situations we are in where we feel fear. Real, honest to goodness, fear.

And then, everything can spiral out of control and the anxiety takes over, causing you to literally become debilitated from the fear.

But rest assured, no matter how bad the anxiety gets, it won’t kill you. So out of anything you take away today, I really want you to know this. ANXIETY WILL NOT KILL YOU. Even though it can feel that way sometimes.

When someone suffers from anxiety, it’s not enough to change negative thoughts into positive thoughts. Actually, this is probably the LAST thing they need to hear because it is something that can be literally impossible to do depending on how severe the anxiety is. What needs to be addressed goes a bit deeper than just a positive thought.

It starts with awareness. One thing I can say for sure, is I now KNOW when my anxiety is coming on. People with anxiety tend to be hyper-aware of the feeling once they can identify it. Where there is a lack of awareness is what is CAUSING the anxiety. And THIS is where you can actually stop the anxiety in its tracks!

So, how do you get to the root cause?

Some things that you can do when you feel your anxiety kicking in:

Take some deep breathes

Sit with the anxiety. Remember, it stems from the FEELING of fear or apprehension about something in the FUTURE

Try to identify what that something is

Check-in with your thoughts.

I then recommend writing it down, acknowledge it. This way, it is somewhere that you can refer to and no longer swimming around in your head.

Understand that your mind is playing tricks on you, and in fact, could be lying to you so question it!

And bring yourself back to the present using affirmations, gratitude, and meditation.

Find someone to talk to. Someone you trust that can help bring you back to your present self.

Lastly, Remember, diet and exercise with adequate sleep are great ways to manage anxiety.

You don’t have to suffer!

If you are ready to dive deeper into this or any other subject you are working through, book a call with me here and let’s get you on your way!

July 2, 2019July 2, 2019

Control-Revisited

I started blogging several years back and successfully finished TWO blogs. This was my very first one and I am sharing it with you now because I started to write another blog about CONTROL and thought, why not share this one instead?

This is my first time blogging…that being said, those that know me, know I have a lot to say about things that go on in my life and the lives that surround me. I don’t claim to be an expert, but I do have some insight to situations and opinions that most people find interesting. Most of my insight and opinions come from MY life experiences, which, I will eventually share throughout the life of this blog. I have “coached” friends and family through difficult, trying times and they all can quote me in saying “My door is always open if you need to talk, need advice, or just need a kick in the ass to get moving. You may not like what I have to say because I will tell you how it is, but my insight just may, at the very least, get you thinking.”

So…my first blog is about control. In a nutshell, the basic meaning equates to regulating and/or ruling a person and/or a situation. Now, while you are thinking about the meaning of control, you are also probably trying to figure out what kind of control applies to you and if you are truly “in control”. Most of you will say to yourselves, I have control. I can control all situations that I am in. I can control my spouse and his/her behavior. I can control my children and their behavior. And on, and on…but the reality is…YOU HAVE NO CONTROL! Control is an illusion. The only “control” you have is over how you REACT to a person, situation, behavior, etc. And even at that, your reaction falls into the definition of choice. Example…you may say now “I can CONTROL if my child misbehaves in public”. If you think about this statement as it is, you know it is untrue. Now, replace that sentence with “I can choose how to REACT if my child misbehaves in public”. This is a more realistic statement. Now, I want you to think about all situations/people that you are trying to control. Check in with yourself now and connect with how these “control” thoughts make you FEEL. A little anxious? A little nervous? BINGO! Do you know why? It’s because…you truly have no control and you are trying to find a way to control whatever it is.

I know many of you reading this are thinking I am full of crap because you have your entire life under control. This is so not true. But…you are free to believe whatever you want, but I would love for you to try, for just one minute, to let that thought process go and see what happens. Take a situation that you think you have control over and replace the thought with, “if this is happening or going to happen, how am I going to respond”.

The topic of control is a big one and I could go on for days siting examples of where it just doesn’t work. I know because I used to be like those of you that think you can control everything, but the more I tried to control, the more out of control I became. I was obsessed with making things just so in every part of my life. The harder I tried, the harder life became for me. One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I let go. I decided that I needed to focus on ME and my thoughts and feelings and I soon learned that was the ONLY thing I could really control.

So, for all of you still “controlling” everything, how is your life going? How are people around you responding? Are you where you want to be? Are you surrounded by people that love and support you? And the most important question? Are you happy?

June 10, 2019June 10, 2019

Finding the Middle

Are you comfortable being alone? Do you find solitude in your quiet time? OR…do you constantly have to be around people? Do you feel you need to constantly be moving?

No matter which end of this spectrum you are on, you need to find a happy medium. Taking time for you is just as important as spending quality time with the people you love. Having your quiet time to take care of yourself is equally as important. I know I tend to lean more on one side than the other, but I am working on that fine balance.

Over the past couple of years, I have found that I have busied up my days with work (people), working my businesses (lots of people), constant connections with leads and friends (people) and anything else that I could find to fill up my day. I thought this “busy” meant I was successful and heading down the path of my desired life. THEN, when I got overwhelmed and overworked, I would completely shut down for months at a time and only work my job (because I had to) and retreat inside myself every chance I had, while everything else fell to the wayside. I told myself that my retreat inside was just me taking care of me, when really, it was just my depression taking hold and sucking me in. It didn’t just last a day or two. I would spend that time telling myself I need to be making connections. I need to be logging in more for work (and I was already working WAY more than I should, another filler for my avoidance). I need to be looking for new leads. I need to start my book. I need to get my life coaching practice up and running. I should be working out. I should be eating better. I spent all of my energy on spinning on what I should be doing, not doing any of it, and creating anxiety for myself. I wasn’t working out or eating healthy anymore because I was “too busy” and then I was too depressed. Between the depression and the anxiety, I felt doomed.

I know that what was really happening was avoidance and fear. I was filling my spare time with “busy” work so that I didn’t have to face what was surfacing within me. I was avoiding rejection and fear of failure in my businesses. When the crash happened, I couldn’t stop thinking about the “what-ifs” of failure, when really, the only failure I was experiencing was giving up. My self-doubt and diminishing confidence level were taking over, fueling negative self-talk and negative self-image. I was overwhelmed and I was stuck. I needed to fix it…NOW! I was retreating deeper into myself and I needed help to climb back out.

At this point, I decided I needed to take a step back and really do some work on me. I worked with my coach and together we were able to identify blocks from my past that I never really knew existed. I had done so much work in the past that I thought I was ahead of the curve, but I know now, that was just the tip of the iceberg. I am slowly gaining my confidence and pushing forward, doing the work and having success throughout it all. I have officially started my practice and also started writing my book. I have also rejuvenated my other business of helping others earn residual income. My progress is slow, but it is steady and I am starting to find balance with it all.

There is a HUGE difference between quiet time and space while working on YOU (exercise, treating yourself to something fun, trips, etc.) and the darkness of depression. There is also a HUGE difference between filling your days to stay busy with filler and actually having productive moments where you are working at top efficiency and creating time for self care.

When we find ourselves running crazy, staying “busy”, we are not working at our optimal best self. It appears that we are rocking it out and killing it, but what is really happening is avoidance and procrastination. Taking a step back and looking at the big picture is key to pinpoint what is being avoided and then working through that issue will allow you to actually work in efficiency instead of chaos. Are you double booking yourself, doing out of the norm favors for others, and just simply consuming every spare moment you have doing things that have no affect on your personal growth? If so, you need to start cutting things out of your “busy” schedule and replace them with self care activities, and yes, some down time. Saying no thank you needs to be your favorite phrase, and mean it, without guilt.

If you find yourself crawling inside and avoiding people while negative self talk and images start to rise, you need to evaluate what is causing these feelings. While it is healthy to have some quiet down time, it is not healthy to become a recluse retreating from the world, especially if you suffer from depression. If this is where you are at, find one thing to do to move you forward. One task that can make you feel good, even if it’s for a minute or two. Spend a few hours with someone you love and catch up. Keep building on those tasks and talking to your loved ones. You should also read my blog post Victim vs Survivor where I list out some tools you can use to help you along the way.

Finding the happy medium can be difficult at times so be patient with yourself. Do the work to get back into balance. I am cheering for you!