Tiffeny Town |

September 15, 2019September 15, 2019

Slow Down!

When I woke up this morning, the sun was barely peeking up over the horizon. I am very fortunate that all I have to do is roll over in my bed and watch the day come alive. The air was crisp and cool from last night’s rain and the smell in the air was fresh and alive. As the sun got higher, the birds started chirping. Louder, more frequent and intense with their song. My thoughts did not immediately go to everything I needed to do today. My first thought was coffee! But seriously, my thoughts were also all about how wonderful this life is that I have and how grateful I am to make this time to wake up with the sun and the birds. And yes, still coffee!

I have been thinking a lot about the pace at which people live their lives. I have so many people in my world that are constantly on the move. Constantly on the go. Constantly “busy”. They have kids that need to be shuttled from here to there all the time. They have demanding jobs that have them running. They have demanding husbands who don’t really help, or rather, some don’t LET them help, maintain the daily requirements of living. There are so many things that can become more important than slowing down and actually living life. I know, because I was one of those. I wasn’t just “busy” and running constantly. I was in a true state of chaos. It was so much a part of me that I thought that what living was supposed to be.

I want to honestly share with you why my life was this spinning wheel of chaos. It actually took me years to actually see what was happening. It was a great example of “you don’t see it when you are in it”. You only start to see it when you are out of it. So, I can tell you I was filling my life with things so that I didn’t have to focus and deal with the truth. My reality. Some things were necessary and had to be a part of my life. But I allowed those things to take over. And then I added more things. This went on for years. Really, almost two decades. That’s a long time. And I was tired.

When I started to slow down and actually make time for me and work on everything I was avoiding, I found that I was not just running through my life, I was running away from and running to something all at the same time. I was stuck, running. It was like being in limbo, and my “busy” state of life was really just avoidance. A defense mechanism that kept me from having to stop and actually walk through my life instead of run.

For those that are experiencing life this way, I am here to tell you, YOU ARE NOT LIVING! Constantly running does not make you a superhero. It doesn’t let you be the real person that you are. It doesn’t allow you to live. It’s all a facade and it’s time to stop.

I challenge you today to take 30 minutes and just be. Take that 30 minutes and sit or walk and just observe everything around you. Smell the air, feel the wind. Watch the sun. Hear the birds. You don’t have to think. You don’t have to feel. You don’t have to fix. You don’t have to run. JUST BE! I promise, your world will not fall apart. It will all still be there waiting for you when you resurface.

I recommend that you do this every day. Pretty soon, it will become such a part of your day it will become your safety net. You will start to slow your pace. You will start to find the courage to deal with whatever it is that you are running from or to. Let it happen. Let yourself live! You deserve it and I believe in you!

September 2, 2019September 2, 2019

A Master Chef Lesson

I was struck so deeply last night by a realization while watching Master Chef Challenge Season 10. Hubby and I have been following it most of the season. We were rooting for a very young contestant, Micah, who was only 19 years old. From the very first episode when he received his apron from Chef Ramsey, he was so grateful and so humbled. Why? Because Chef Ramsey said he BELIEVED in him. This kid was competing on this show all alone. No family, no friends, and he gave up everything to be there. Fast forward to the Family Reunion episode. The contestants’ family members were invited to come and support their loved ones in the competition. Micah had no one. As they were introducing the various family members, the camera kept panning over to Micah, and the look on his face every time was just heartbreaking.

As the competition went on, you could see Micah’s confidence deteriorating. When it was time to present the dish, he was the last one chosen. The entire time you could see the deflated, defeated look on his face. I knew right then that he had given up. He stopped trying and succumbed to his lonely realization of not having anyone to support him. This sealed his fate.

When he was asked to remove his apron, he lost it. He told the judges how grateful he was for the journey and how much he had learned. He also said that he gained so much more from the experience because his whole family told him they did not support him. His mom told him he would fall flat on his face and she would not be there to pick him up. But the support from the judges and the other constants was heartfelt and appreciated. What an awful thing to say to your son! Then, Chef Ramsey did what he does when he wants to be amazing. He told Micah that after the show he would work with him and help him achieve any dreams he had. Micah thanked him and said it would be an honor. It was at that point, his face started to light back up.

Why do I feel compelled to talk about a TV show? There are a couple of notable things going on here. First and foremost, belief. Sometimes it is difficult to push through when it is just you and nobody else rooting for you to win. It makes it so much harder to stay focused and positive. Think about it as an adult and then rewind to your childhood. Imagine how devastating it would be to hear such awful things from your mother. The processing is very different and extremely damaging.

Two other notable things are going on here. Realizing and working toward a dream and not giving up. These two go hand in hand. Micah had a dream and he did everything he could to make it come true. He didn’t give up. Even when I thought he did, he came back around and realized he wasn’t in it alone. He had Chef Ramsey in his corner! He also had all of the viewers in his corner, rooting for him. Believing in him and his dream.

I have been in Micah’s shoes. Everything I did growing up and throughout most of my adult life, I looked for my mother’s support. Hell, I would have settled for ANY form of acknowledgment and encouragement, but I never once got it. The only thing I got from her was jealousy and hatred. If it wasn’t for my dad and the rest of my family and friends, my outcome would have been a lot different.

So, are you finding yourself alone in your corner when it comes to your dreams? Do you have the support you need from your loved ones? If not, I highly recommend you reach out to someone. Find a mentor, a coach, or just a loving, supportive ear to bounce your thoughts and experiences off of. We all need someone to help us celebrate our wins! And if you are having trouble finding someone, talk to me! I already believe in you so we are halfway there. You just have to raise your hand.

August 11, 2019August 11, 2019

You Are Worthy!

Have you ever wanted something so bad but can’t get it because your inner voice tells you that you can’t have it? Do you have desires beyond what you are doing now and don’t feel you can get there? Do you often tell yourself that you don’t deserve it or you are not worthy?

I am sitting here on this beautiful Sunday morning relaxing with my coffee, looking out to all of the openness of the 36 acres we live on, and feeling immense gratitude for the life I am now living. I am grateful for the things I have. But I am even more grateful for the journey that brought me here.

I have always wanted a life, partnered with someone that shares my dreams, someone that can support me and I can support him while we work together for everything we desire. I have always wanted a life that provides a loving and open home that I consider my safe sanctuary, not only for me, but for those I love, to be able to come to during times of need.

I have all of that now and more! It took some time and many lessons over 45 years of life to get here. Why did it take so long? It’s a simple concept. I didn’t believe I deserved it. I wanted it so badly. I tried to get there so many times. When I look back, I can see that I had many things to learn. The most important lesson was learning how to receive and to fully believe that I was worthy of my desires.

I have spent the better part of 20 years working on me and taking the self-help journey. I completely believed and understood the fundamentals, but I was missing one thing in the big picture. One thing that sounds so simple but can be the most difficult to obtain.

Our stories tell us so many things. Some truths, some lies. This is the make up of our beliefs. Sometimes, our truths are buried so far down that the lies start to become our truth, and believing the lies is sometimes easier than finding our truth. We find comfort in the lies because they have been a huge part of what we become and fear holds us back when we try to step out of that comfort, causing us to retreat back to the lies. It’s a vicious cycle, but the cycle can be broken.

When I finally figured it out, I was desperate to figure out a way to change it. I wanted to believe that I am worthy. That I deserved everything that I desired. It wasn’t, and still isn’t easy. But I work at it every day. The next fulfilling desire for me? To be independently wealthy enough to commit the rest of my life to helping others create better versions of themselves and have everything they desire. I know that I will have this, because really, it’s already here. I just have to believe that I deserve it and get ready to receive.

Think about your desires. Think about how you truly feel about them. Now think about all of the thoughts surrounding those desires. Are those thoughts truth or lies? Are you telling yourself that you are deserving and worthy of receiving? Now close your eyes and breath. Visualize your desires. Visualize what your life looks like, as you already have everything you desire. Tap into the feelings. Feel the joy and the happiness surrounding your life. This, my friends, is the first step in receiving. Practice this every day, several times a day. Write about it. Talk about it. Every time a lie surrounding those desires creeps in, immediately visualize your new life. Add some affirmations around your new life, but be sure to say them and write them AS IF THAT LIFE IS ALREADY HERE. This will bring it into the present and fast track you to everything you desire. I believe in you. You are worthy. You deserve everything you desire!

August 4, 2019August 4, 2019

Relationships

Just a quick note about relationships: Relationships are important. Relationships are necessary. Relationships should also be healthy and based on open trust and communication, although, some relationships can be difficult, even toxic. We deal with all types of relationships every day. The important thing to remember about relationships is to always maintain honesty and respect, not only for others, but for yourself. If you don’t have that, the relationship will never survive.

I was raised in an environment where the only healthy relationships that existed for me were with my father and his side of the family. Unfortunately, I only had time with them every other weekend until I was in 8th grade, but it was enough to establish a base line for my later years when I was FINALLY able to rid myself of toxic relationships and really cherish the ones that serve me. I realized that I needed to let go of expectations and that I cannot control another person’s feelings or reactions. And most importantly, I learned to let go of the toxic relationships that did not serve me. It was difficult to let some of those relationships go, but it was also very empowering.

I have recently done some reflection on my relationships and how I interact with others. I am learning that as I continue to grow in love, my relationships are growing in love too. I can honestly say that I am incredibly blessed to have healthy, successful relationships in my life.

If you find yourself caught up in a difficult relationship or a relationship that isn’t going the way you planned, you need to check in with yourself. Do you have open, honest communication with this person? Do you have expectations of this person that have not been expressed? Do you look to change something about this person? Is the relationship serving you or do you spend more time fighting and trying to find happiness within the relationship?

When you create a relationship with someone, remember that it is two sided, a give and take, so if you want to have a good relationship, you need to nurture that relationship with love, honesty, openness, and communication. We often place all kinds of expectations on the people we have relationships with and those expectations tend to backfire because they are often not communicated to the other person, therefore turning a two way relationship into a one-sided, uphill battle.

One last thing…we were not put on this earth to change people. It is not our job to judge or decide how someone should live. We were put here for a ton of different reasons with a few of them being kindness, acceptance, and love. If a relationship just does not work, walk away and focus all of that energy into something good. Stop wasting your energy on something that will never be. As hard as it is to walk away, it is even harder to stay in an unhealthy relationship. Remember, your relationship will mirror what you are putting into it. If there is no trust, honesty, and love, then chances are, you don’t see those things in yourself. Look inside yourself and take this as an opportunity to focus on you and improve your life. I believe in you!

July 25, 2019July 25, 2019

Self Forgiveness-Revisited

This is my second blog ever so I thought it was a good one to share with you. It has been many years since this was written, and I have come a long way, but by no means am I an expert yet. Self forgiveness is a process and one YOU can start to master all on your own. Healing is an important part of the journey and it always has to start with you.

Have you ever intentionally or unintentionally regretted doing or saying something and then continued to “beat yourself up” over and over again? I think it is fair to say that we are all guilty of this. I also know that this can cause great trauma to our spirits and emotions, causing the trauma to be so severe that it derails and even debilitates our lives. We re-live the action or conversation and continually try to find ways that we could have handled it better. This causes a negative thought process to begin and the spiral continues. Pretty soon we are so consumed by the negative thoughts that depression and/or illness start to set in and we try and find ways to deal with the depression and/or illness when we should try and find the root cause and start working on a little thing called “self forgiveness”.

I have been working daily on my own self forgiveness. There are situations and choices I have had to make in my life that have, for good or bad, affected other people in hurtful ways. I do not mean the hurtful ways were created from my anger or out of malice. I am, after all, human and we are all guilty of hurting out of anger or malice. As difficult as it is, the most painful hurts I have created were caused by choices I needed to make to better myself and stop my own hurt. There is a ton of guilt about being selfish and not caring that the choice may hurt someone else. Unfortunately, my upbringing instilled a lot of the unhealthy values and thought processes that I am trying to deprogram along with working on my self forgiveness. I never really had a childhood, constantly having to put my life aside to be the adult at a very early age. In that, I always put everyone else first, mothering, nurturing, teaching, and surviving for everyone else but me. Now, as an adult, I struggle every day with setting boundaries and saying no to protect myself from any further spiritual and emotional damage. Along with all that comes the guilt and in steps my attempts at self forgiveness. This is is how I manage to work on it every day:

Think about the choice to be made. Is it truly a choice that will better ME or am I truly making the choice out of anger or malice? Chances are, these kind of choices are being made because of a very unbalanced and unhealthy environment or situation. If you are programmed as a caretaker/enabler the way that I am, this is where the self hate and hurt begin.

What has led up to this choice? Has it been a path of unhealthy self destruction? If yes, then make a change-no matter who it will hurt, but try and do it as gracefully, FOR YOURSELF, as possible. At the end of the day, this is a necessary choice to save YOU!

When making the change, try and stay out of the negative. Find your positive and what good will come from the choice you are making-no matter how small. Once you find one positive, more will follow. We naturally want to be in a positive state of mind, we just get in our own way and allow the negatives to take over. You will see…the law of attraction will snow ball from everything you are thinking and the intentions you are putting out to the universe, so keep the positives coming!

Once you have started the positive thought process, you need to start the self forgiveness.

Acknowledge that you allowed yourself to stay in the situation that you are in-either from old programming, guilt, self destruction, self punishment, etc. Then, tell yourself that it IS OK. You had yet another lesson to learn from this life.

Now, acknowledge that you may hurt or anger people in the choice you are making. It is ok. You cannot protect everyone-you need to protect YOURSELF. If you are coming from a place of love and warmth while making the choice, or even if you come from anger, others are going to CHOOSE to react the way that they do and their reactions are not your responsibility. You cannot control the reactions from others.

Once you have acknowledged the situation that has caused you make this choice and acknowledged the hurt and anger it may cause others, start telling yourself “I forgive myself” and immediately start thinking of your positives and why you POSITIVELY are making the choice. I find this the most difficult. Someone very dear to me gave me forgiveness affirmations to do every day, which I do. However, the most difficult part is saying them while looking at myself in the mirror. This goes back to actually deprogramming all the pain and hurt and trying to believe that I am truly forgiven. I work on it every day.

Yes, all this seems like a lot of work and, in the beginning, it truly is. I am, however, finding it gets a bit easier every day if I use the tools and actually work the process. Again, the law of attraction and positive thinking along with the affirmations make it easier to get to the point of self forgiveness.

Try these affirmations first thing in the morning, saying them out loud (eventually looking in the mirror) and see how you feel as you say them. Really pay attention to how your body and feelings resonate with what you are saying. Take your time and FEEL.

“I forgive myself for judging my feelings.”

“I forgive myself for becoming upset and moving out of my center.”

“I forgive myself for the mistakes I have made, the mistakes I am making, and the mistakes I will make.”

“I forgive myself for judging myself as unworthy.”

“I am a radiant being filled with light and love.”

Until next time, forgive and be kind to yourself!

July 11, 2019July 11, 2019

Gratitude

As I was driving into work this morning, I was looking around at my view. It was nice and bright, I was driving west so I could see our beautiful Rocky Mountains, and all around me was country (except for the other drivers with me on the highway) and I got this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I was grateful for my home, my life, and the beautiful day ahead. A feeling warmth started in the pit of my stomach and traveled through my heart making it feel open and full, and then traveled through the top of my head. I felt calm, peaceful, and present.

I then started to say my affirmations, and remembered an email I received this morning notifying me that I had another connection join one of my business streams. I immediately started to feel grateful again. I was grateful for the connection and I was extremely grateful that I am helping another person save and earn extra money. The feeling started in the pit of my stomach again, but was much faster in reaching the top of my head.

People talk about gratitude all of the time, but I always wonder if they actually FEEL it. I know I have days that I say I am grateful in a sense of “faking it until I make it”, because I may just be having an off day and need something to keep me present, but I know that feeling I am looking for. Today was proof of that. It was a reminder that this beautiful life, no matter where we are, is giving us everything we need, right now.

I practice gratitude every day, throughout the entire day. I not only say/think about what I am grateful for, but slow down and actually FEEL the feelings in my body. From this, I experience feelings of joy and happiness that I know are genuine. I then start to feel love. Love for others, and most of all, love for myself. Could you imagine if everyone on this planet could generate this love? What a different world we would live in.

Practicing gratitude is so simple. Expressing gratitude to others, for others, and for all things in world should be a part of everyone’s daily routines. Resonating at one’s truest, highest self can improve daily life for everyone. Start with the little things. Open your eyes in the morning and say “I am grateful for this day” and then “I am grateful to have a job”. Keep doing that throughout your day and just see what transpires in your body and how your day turns out. Your mood will improve, your energy will improve, and you will feel absolutely wonderful. I challenge you to try it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

And as I type this, I realized that I was in such a rush this morning that I walked out the door without my delicious breakfast smoothie…now, I am grateful for the back-up protein shake I have in my drawer for breakfast! Hey, even being grateful for the little things can make a day brighter and lighter!

July 2, 2019July 2, 2019

Control-Revisited

I started blogging several years back and successfully finished TWO blogs. This was my very first one and I am sharing it with you now because I started to write another blog about CONTROL and thought, why not share this one instead?

This is my first time blogging…that being said, those that know me, know I have a lot to say about things that go on in my life and the lives that surround me. I don’t claim to be an expert, but I do have some insight to situations and opinions that most people find interesting. Most of my insight and opinions come from MY life experiences, which, I will eventually share throughout the life of this blog. I have “coached” friends and family through difficult, trying times and they all can quote me in saying “My door is always open if you need to talk, need advice, or just need a kick in the ass to get moving. You may not like what I have to say because I will tell you how it is, but my insight just may, at the very least, get you thinking.”

So…my first blog is about control. In a nutshell, the basic meaning equates to regulating and/or ruling a person and/or a situation. Now, while you are thinking about the meaning of control, you are also probably trying to figure out what kind of control applies to you and if you are truly “in control”. Most of you will say to yourselves, I have control. I can control all situations that I am in. I can control my spouse and his/her behavior. I can control my children and their behavior. And on, and on…but the reality is…YOU HAVE NO CONTROL! Control is an illusion. The only “control” you have is over how you REACT to a person, situation, behavior, etc. And even at that, your reaction falls into the definition of choice. Example…you may say now “I can CONTROL if my child misbehaves in public”. If you think about this statement as it is, you know it is untrue. Now, replace that sentence with “I can choose how to REACT if my child misbehaves in public”. This is a more realistic statement. Now, I want you to think about all situations/people that you are trying to control. Check in with yourself now and connect with how these “control” thoughts make you FEEL. A little anxious? A little nervous? BINGO! Do you know why? It’s because…you truly have no control and you are trying to find a way to control whatever it is.

I know many of you reading this are thinking I am full of crap because you have your entire life under control. This is so not true. But…you are free to believe whatever you want, but I would love for you to try, for just one minute, to let that thought process go and see what happens. Take a situation that you think you have control over and replace the thought with, “if this is happening or going to happen, how am I going to respond”.

The topic of control is a big one and I could go on for days siting examples of where it just doesn’t work. I know because I used to be like those of you that think you can control everything, but the more I tried to control, the more out of control I became. I was obsessed with making things just so in every part of my life. The harder I tried, the harder life became for me. One day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I let go. I decided that I needed to focus on ME and my thoughts and feelings and I soon learned that was the ONLY thing I could really control.

So, for all of you still “controlling” everything, how is your life going? How are people around you responding? Are you where you want to be? Are you surrounded by people that love and support you? And the most important question? Are you happy?

June 23, 2019June 23, 2019

All In A Day

Changing your thought process is necessary when you find yourself falling into negative self talk and negative thoughts. Once you succumb to the negativity, it may be difficult to get back to the other side. The positive side. The side where change actually happens. The place where happiness and love reside. It can be done and with little effort. All it takes is changing how you think, because how you think dictates how you feel. There a few coin phrases that help to remind us that really, anything can happen in a day.

What a Difference a Day Makes-Yes, you may think it sounds like a cliche, but it really is truth. Everyone has a bad day now and then. It’s how you choose to deal with it that makes all the difference. Anything can happen in a 24 hour period (a day) so if you can find a way to make it through while changing whatever negative thoughts you are having into positive ones, then you will make it. Focusing on the negative will only bring more negative. Don’t believe me? Retrace your events for that day and check in with how you were thinking and feeling. Can you see how a simple, positive thought could have changed everything?

There’s Always Tomorrow-For me, every tomorrow means a fresh slate. A reset. A chance to start over. Please don’t take this to mean that you should take any day for granted. Spending time with those you love, making connections with people that are important to you, and just reaching out should never be put off until tomorrow. Let’s be real…there is always the chance that tomorrow may not come. What I am talking about here is reflective of your work, your stresses, and anything else that is overwhelming you that you have no control over. If you have work piled up on your desk, do your best to make a dent, but know that it will always be there tomorrow. Don’t let your stress consume you to the point that you are over working yourself and getting stressed out. That does not help anything, nor does it get the work done. Hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day!

One Day At A Time- No, I am not talking about that early 80’s TV sitcom that some of us know and love. You may be more familiar with the recovery programs that have coined the phrase for good reason. Each and every day is new. Each and every day allows you to make progress while focusing on what is right now. Don’t worry about yesterday, and don’t fret about tomorrow. Just make it through today.

Life is short! Spending that time in constant stress and worry day after day will never get you to where you need to be and will only bring you more worries. Your physical and mental health will decline, your relationships will decline, and you may find your way spiraling down, far away from where you want to be. You have the power to break the cycle. Live for right now. Live for today, while paving the way for a brighter future. You CAN do it, one day at a time! I believe in you!!!

June 10, 2019June 10, 2019

Finding the Middle

Are you comfortable being alone? Do you find solitude in your quiet time? OR…do you constantly have to be around people? Do you feel you need to constantly be moving?

No matter which end of this spectrum you are on, you need to find a happy medium. Taking time for you is just as important as spending quality time with the people you love. Having your quiet time to take care of yourself is equally as important. I know I tend to lean more on one side than the other, but I am working on that fine balance.

Over the past couple of years, I have found that I have busied up my days with work (people), working my businesses (lots of people), constant connections with leads and friends (people) and anything else that I could find to fill up my day. I thought this “busy” meant I was successful and heading down the path of my desired life. THEN, when I got overwhelmed and overworked, I would completely shut down for months at a time and only work my job (because I had to) and retreat inside myself every chance I had, while everything else fell to the wayside. I told myself that my retreat inside was just me taking care of me, when really, it was just my depression taking hold and sucking me in. It didn’t just last a day or two. I would spend that time telling myself I need to be making connections. I need to be logging in more for work (and I was already working WAY more than I should, another filler for my avoidance). I need to be looking for new leads. I need to start my book. I need to get my life coaching practice up and running. I should be working out. I should be eating better. I spent all of my energy on spinning on what I should be doing, not doing any of it, and creating anxiety for myself. I wasn’t working out or eating healthy anymore because I was “too busy” and then I was too depressed. Between the depression and the anxiety, I felt doomed.

I know that what was really happening was avoidance and fear. I was filling my spare time with “busy” work so that I didn’t have to face what was surfacing within me. I was avoiding rejection and fear of failure in my businesses. When the crash happened, I couldn’t stop thinking about the “what-ifs” of failure, when really, the only failure I was experiencing was giving up. My self-doubt and diminishing confidence level were taking over, fueling negative self-talk and negative self-image. I was overwhelmed and I was stuck. I needed to fix it…NOW! I was retreating deeper into myself and I needed help to climb back out.

At this point, I decided I needed to take a step back and really do some work on me. I worked with my coach and together we were able to identify blocks from my past that I never really knew existed. I had done so much work in the past that I thought I was ahead of the curve, but I know now, that was just the tip of the iceberg. I am slowly gaining my confidence and pushing forward, doing the work and having success throughout it all. I have officially started my practice and also started writing my book. I have also rejuvenated my other business of helping others earn residual income. My progress is slow, but it is steady and I am starting to find balance with it all.

There is a HUGE difference between quiet time and space while working on YOU (exercise, treating yourself to something fun, trips, etc.) and the darkness of depression. There is also a HUGE difference between filling your days to stay busy with filler and actually having productive moments where you are working at top efficiency and creating time for self care.

When we find ourselves running crazy, staying “busy”, we are not working at our optimal best self. It appears that we are rocking it out and killing it, but what is really happening is avoidance and procrastination. Taking a step back and looking at the big picture is key to pinpoint what is being avoided and then working through that issue will allow you to actually work in efficiency instead of chaos. Are you double booking yourself, doing out of the norm favors for others, and just simply consuming every spare moment you have doing things that have no affect on your personal growth? If so, you need to start cutting things out of your “busy” schedule and replace them with self care activities, and yes, some down time. Saying no thank you needs to be your favorite phrase, and mean it, without guilt.

If you find yourself crawling inside and avoiding people while negative self talk and images start to rise, you need to evaluate what is causing these feelings. While it is healthy to have some quiet down time, it is not healthy to become a recluse retreating from the world, especially if you suffer from depression. If this is where you are at, find one thing to do to move you forward. One task that can make you feel good, even if it’s for a minute or two. Spend a few hours with someone you love and catch up. Keep building on those tasks and talking to your loved ones. You should also read my blog post Victim vs Survivor where I list out some tools you can use to help you along the way.

Finding the happy medium can be difficult at times so be patient with yourself. Do the work to get back into balance. I am cheering for you!

June 2, 2019June 2, 2019

Victim vs. Survivor

We all carry unwanted baggage from our past. Some of it is from poor choices we have made and some of it is from poor choices others have made that affected us. If you are someone who directly suffered or witnessed abuse and trauma, this may hit home. My intention with this topic is to bring awareness to those who may not understand the difference and possibly facilitate a deeper understanding of the differences, and in turn, show compassion and love for those who have suffered. Also, to help quick start the process for those stuck in victim-land start to make the transition to survivor-hood and live a much more fulfilling life.

Let’s get one thing clear. Abuse and trauma can take many forms, and although physical abuse is so detrimental, emotional abuse is almost more devastating because the physical impact eventually fades, but the emotional impact stays forever. The general consensus used to be, to have suffered abuse and trauma, one would have had to have physical representation, i.e. bruises, scars, cuts, scrapes, broken bones, etc. Sure, that is truth when physical abuse is present, but you can’t SEE emotional abuse. It is very common for those who have suffered or witnessed physical abuse to block it out and then have to deal with the affects later in life. Anxiety, depression, mental illness, eating disorders, and addiction are some of the affects of not dealing with these traumas directly. I am grateful that we live in a time that is starting to understand the deep impact of emotional abuse, not only to those who were recipients of abuse, but to those who were around and witnessed abuse of someone they love and now carry that emotional scarring with them.

Now, let’s talk about the differences between the victim and the survivor. Let’s dig a bit deeper than the words themselves and talk about the characteristics and the behaviors of the two:

The Victim

Webster’s definition of victim is ” one that is acted on and usually adversely affected by a force or agent ” and ” one that is injured, destroyed, or sacrificed under any of various conditions “. Although we may all fit into this definition based on our background and upbringing, it is how you choose to deal with it that keeps you in the category of being a victim. I personally have been the victim of abuse, neglect, and addiction but I chose at a very young age that being a victim does not define me. It does not define my behavior or my life.

The Survivor

A survivor is defined as “to remain alive or in existence (live on); to continue to function or prosper. This is someone who has been through trauma and is still carrying all of the baggage that comes with it, including the emotional damage, but chooses to work through it to have a better life. Everyone has the power within them to be a survivor. It is more than a mindset, it is a lifestyle. Words, actions, and choices are made based on experience.

How does the survivor compare to the victim? Well, I define myself as a survivor. Yes, I had horrible things happen to me in my childhood and early adult years. I also struggle with anxiety and depression caused by these traumas, however, I choose not to succumb to the detriment of being a victim. I choose to look at every experience I had and use it to make me strong. To learn, and to overcome, and in turn, help others do the same. Does that mean I am completely healed of the trauma. Absolutely not! It just means that I face every one of those traumas head on and do the work to come through to the other side. Sure it is difficult. Some days are better than others and the more work I do, the more work I have to do. I know that there is no “cure” and I work every day to push through. Here are the tools I use to help me:

Journaling: this is a fabulous way to get out of your head! Getting the raw emotions onto paper allows you to look at what is happening in a fresh light. Journaling also allows you to express emotions that you don’t want to share or “take out” on others. It’s satisfying to know that you can freely express yourself, using whatever verbiage you choose, and then just crumple up that paper and throw it away! I also use journaling as a tool to go back and revisit certain situations and emotions I may have had and see how far I have come. Remember, journaling is for YOU! It’s not about writing for an audience.
Coaching: I hired a spiritual life coach (who has become a great friend and mentor) to help me work through some of the blocks I had from my childhood. Doing this kind of work was very freeing because it exposed some things that were buried deep down that I had trouble accessing on my own. This process has also rejuvenated my dream to become a Lifestyle and Success Coach so that I can help others with their journey to their desired lives.
Affirmations: I have daily affirmations that I say out loud to myself so that I can really HEAR them. I have daily affirmations and affirmations that are specific to what I may be feeling that day. Some days I force myself to say them because I may not believe what is coming out of my mouth, but the “fake it until you make it” mantra really holds key. You start to believe because you start to FEEL them. And that is where the true transformation begins (more on this in another blog). You may feel silly at the beginning, but once you start to really hear yourself and BELIEVE the words, your feelings start to change and your heart begins to heal, even just a little bit.
Read and Listen with Caution: I read and listen to a TON of self-help books. I use them as a guide for change, and also for reinforcement of the changes I have made. Depending on what you choose, it can change your mindset and your mood for the day. I have very long commute, so I listen to a few my favorite authors via Audible. I really enjoy these books because they are narrated by the authors themselves so you get more of the true feeling and it feels like they are doing a personal reading just for you!
- Mel Robbins
  - The Five Second Rule
  - Kick Ass with Mel Robbins
  - Take Control of Your Life
  - She also does free online coaching workshops that you can do at your own pace with daily/weekly videos) I also recommend subscribing to her email list and YouTube channels for daily/weekly motivation. Mel is no frills and tells it like it is, which is why I love her!
- Jen Sincero-
  - You are a Badass
  - You are a Badass at Making Money
- Rachel Hollis-
  - Gir,l Wash Your Face
  - Girl, Stop Apologizing
- Rhonda Byrne
  - The Secret
  - The Magic
  - The Power
Holistic Care: I see an acupuncturist and a chiropractor monthly at a minimum. Our bodies store trauma so deep that it can cause physical ailments and illness. This is where a lot of my deep-rooted work comes through. My body likes to hold onto things and bury it deep down, which contributes to my health issues. But hey! I am still doing the work and I am getting there!
Physical Activity: This is the quickest relief you can get from any anxiety, depression, or negative thought processes you may experience. I am a volunteer Tai Chi instructor. This form of moving meditation and health healing really facilitates the peace I need. Being an instructor allows me to give back and opens my heart for my own healing and the healing of others. I also practice Vinyasa style yoga and walks/runs outside.

Remember, you have the choice to make the change. Living the life of a victim is scary and unsatisfying. Choosing to have a fulfilled life full of wins and no fear is completely up to you. If you are ready to do the work, and make the transition from victim or survivor, pick a couple of tools from my list and get started! Don’t overwhelm yourself, but find a way to work one or two things in every day. You deserve to life the life you desire full of joy and happiness. Believe in yourself because I believe in you!