I have to thank Dave Hollis for inspiring me to write about this topic. Understanding the stories we tell ourselves and how to actualize is really big for personal growth.
Let’s begin with talking about identity. Identity is stories of our past and present that inform the stories of our future. These are the stories you tell yourself about who you THINK you are and you assign value to those stories so that they inform who you are in the future. Ask yourself; Are you someone who tells a story of hopelessness? If you are, then the character who shows up is hopeless. Are you someone who tells a story of optimism and joy? If you are, then the character who shows up is positive, optimistic, and joyful.
Now, what happens if you tell a story of optimism but shows up hopeless? This is where the real work begins. You can ask yourself a few more questions to understand exactly where you are at; What story are you telling yourself? What character do you need to play in that story to make it true?
This is where self-actualization comes into play. Self-actualization is when the vision who you desire to be and your actions match up in order for it to come true. In this space, the brain tries to unconsciously marry who we hope to be with our actions. How conscious are you of the stories you are telling yourself? How committed are you to the weight of the stories of what has happened to you? Now we are making some REAL ground on understanding the narrative you mentally write about yourself.
In order to obtain TRUE self-actualization you have got to be intentional. Think about the way you would describe yourself in a 60 second elevator pitch that describes what makes you uniquely qualified for the life you want and/or deserve. Now, does this story match the story someone else would tell about you?
Considering what someone else would say is not to confuse you with WORRYING about what others think about you. This is about aligning with the truth and your story. You need to dig in and look to see if how you place value, positive and negative, to the things that have happened to you in your life. Ask yourself; Are these values empowering you or holding you back, keeping you stuck in your current state?
I love how Dave says this, “Are you standing on top of the failures in your life? Or are you buried underneath them?”
Moving on to addressing your experiences. There are two types of experiences that we have in life. There are many ways that we consciously and unconsciously decide to REACT or RESPOND to each.
Central Experiences: the pillars that we anchor our identity. These are the big things of impact that can be good or bad depending on the value you place on them. You get to decide whether you ascribe negativity or positivity to these experiences. These might be things you didn’t deserve. But not deserving it doesn’t change the fact that it happened. Now you have to decide whether you are a victim or a survivor.
- How do you assign value to central experiences?
- Does that assigned value help or hurt you?
- Are you anchored to attributes these experiences that hold you back?
Circumstantial Experiences: are the things that have happened to have happened. There might have been learning or pain that came with these experiences, but they don’t define who you are.
There are two choices you can make. Move those negative central experiences to circumstantial experiences. This takes the negative attribution away and turns the experience into something that “just happened” with no weight. They become something that has happened to have happened. Assign the negative central experiences to positive attributes. Change the value from those being the things that happened “to” you to the things that happened “for” you and how it affected you positively and contributed to your growth.
Where to go from here? I have some practices to help you figure out WHO you are and how to REWRITE your story.
Journal these questions about WHO you are:
- What story are you telling yourself?
- What character do you need to play in that story to make it true?
- Does this story match the story someone else tells about you?
Rewrite YOUR Story:
- Make a list of 5-10 Central Experiences (the pillars that we anchor our identity. These are the big things of impact that can be good or bad depending on the value you place on them. You get to decide whether you ascribe negativity or positivity to these experiences. These might be things you didn’t deserve. But not deserving it doesn’t change the fact that it happened. Now you have to decide whether you are a victim or a survivor).
- Write next to each Central Experience on your list if you have assigned positive or negative attributes to them.
- For the negative central experiences, decide if you are going to:
- Move those negative central experiences to circumstantial experiences. (This takes the negative attribution away and turns the experience into something that “just happened” with no weight. They become something that has happened to have happened).
- Assign the negative central experiences to positive attributes. (Change the value from those being the things that happened “to” you to the things that happened “for” you and how it affected you positively and contributed to your growth).
