Let’s talk a little bit about boundaries. You know how I love to define everything so let’s look at what boundaries are:
From Wikipedia: Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.
I love how Mel Robbins explains boundaries.
“Boundaries are the courage you need to put yourself 1st. They are the fence around the yard called your life.”
Well, that’s great, but how do you know when you should set a boundary? You can identify where you need to set some boundaries by asking yourself some questions:
- Do other people’s needs seem more urgent than yours?
- Is your energy level drained?
- Do you hate to disappoint people?
- Are you afraid that if you don’t do what people ask they will be mad at you?
- Do you feel as if your kids or your friends run your life?
- Do you have a hard time saying no?
- What am I allowing to happen in my life?
Beware, there is often a negative stigma when it comes to boundaries. Boundaries are often associated with something BAD you have to do and for God’s sake, you should NEVER have to set boundaries because if you do, there is something wrong with YOU.
I am here to tell you that boundaries are necessary. Boundaries are needed for self-protection.
Boundaries are also needed for those who have difficulty dealing with those people who don’t have boundaries themselves.
Boundaries should be set for others that come into your world and boundaries should be set for yourself.
Ultimately, setting any boundaries should be viewed as a form of protection for YOU.
Mel Robbins says:
“Boundaries are the no trespassing sign between where you end and someone else begins. They make you treat people how you want to be treated.”
You may need to set boundaries for toxic people in your life. You may need to set boundaries for yourself when it involves toxic people in your life.
But beware that when you do this, the outcome may not be pretty.
The other person may see it as a threat or an attack on them and will definitely play on any weakness you have to try and manipulate you to get you to do what they want.
So I suggest you start small and you get crystal clear with what your boundary will be or is. You also should COMMUNICATE it to the person. Don’t just expect them to KNOW.
AND, you have to be prepared to FOLLOW THROUGH or they will not take you or your boundaries seriously.
If you are someone who is an adult child of an alcoholic/addict, a co-dependant, or someone that is in need of constant approval, setting boundaries is going to be difficult for you…in the beginning. I speak from experience as someone who is an adult child of an addict/alcoholic, a co-dependant, and a person that was CONSTANTLY seeking approval.
I was a “good girl”. I never rocked the boat. I did everything everyone ever asked of me. I NEVER caused a scene.
And it was slowly KILLING me.
I have SO many examples I could share with you from my life, but I am going to spare you and only share one. Probably one of the BIGGEST of my life.
It involves my mother.
My parents divorced at 5 and mom found a new boyfriend in what seemed like minutes and she moved him right in.
It wasn’t long before the abuse started. First, he started with her and then moved on to us. We weren’t just physically abused, but severely mentally abused as well.
And then my world shattered and she married this man and we were made to call him Dad.
This contributed to my finding ways to be invisible. Don’t draw attention to yourself. ALWAYS do what you are told and be a good girl. But constantly trying to get the attention of the only person I needed it from…my mother.
Of course, this was not a sustainable relationship between my mom and the “step-father”. It finally ended when he chose another woman over my mom, which, in turn, made her spin out of control.
At 12, I became the adult female in our house while mom continued to plummet. Drugs, pills, alcohol, suicide after suicide attempt, going through men like they were water. You name it.
But I still sought her approval. I needed her recognition and attention. I never got it.
I just developed codependent behaviors that I carried with me well into adulthood. I was the fixer and the caretaker of all things, including my mother.
After many years of watching my mother killing herself with the drugs and alcohol and coming to the realization I will never get the mother I wanted, I set the biggest boundary of my life.
One final trip to the ER to rescue her from a fake “chest pain” incident so that she could get pain meds and get high, I hit my limit.
I told her that if she didn’t get into a program and work on her shit in therapy, we were done. And I meant every word.
Two months later, I got a call from my now step-father saying that mom was getting help. I asked where and he said the methadone clinic.
I said not good enough. No treatment and no therapy, no relationship with me.
As I hung up the phone, I never felt more empowered in my entire life.
On a deep, beyond the surface level, I knew that I had just saved my own life.
It has been around 10 years since I have had a relationship with her and I have to say, nothing has changed for her. She is still the same person I let go of so long ago.
Had I continued down that path I was on with her, I would not be where I am today. Strong enough to stand in my own truth and able to help other women who struggle.
So, that is one example of a BIG boundary. Not every boundary you set needs to be this extreme, however, I hope that as you gain more confidence, you also start to feel more empowered.
No matter how big or small you think the boundary is, its effect is the same. A necessary aspect of life to keep you safe from the toxicity around you.
So start practicing saying no.
Start practicing setting limits to what you will put up with from other people.
Set limits within yourself so that you can abide by your own rules.
Remember, YOU are in control of YOU. Nobody else has the right to overstep and take your power away so don’t let them!
Do you want to dive deeper into how to set boundaries in YOUR life? Book your free 30-Minute breakthrough call today! Just click HERE for access to my calendar!
